MAXINE Gordon highlighted domestic abuse and the work of IDAS in York in The Press a couple of weeks ago. IDAS is a North Yorkshire abuse charity and is supported by several York organisations, including Soroptimist International York Ebor Club. 

Last weekend I was at the annual conference for Soroptimist International Great Britain and Ireland in Glasgow. Princess Anne was one of the speakers supporting inspiring soroptimist projects. Projects being carried out by 80,000 members in 127 countries worldwide, as well as the UK.

Clubs in the Yorkshire region recognised that, tragically, there are thousands of women and young girls in Yorkshire alone, experiencing abuse in a variety of forms. They founded an anti-slavery group. These days, the term slavery covers trafficking, domestic abuse, grooming, female genital mutilation and slavery. The group created ‘Loves me, loves me not’ bookmarks and cards. Thousands have been given away to women and young adults. The ‘loves me, loves me not’ lists were created with straight, adult relationships in mind.

As a psychotherapist I recognised the ‘Loves me not’ behaviours in all types of dysfunctional relationships. Gay, Straight and Transgender. Parent - Child. Child - Parent. Employer - Employee. Teacher - Student. Friend - Friend.

Loves me:

• Makes me feel safe

• Makes me feel comfortable.

• Listens to me

• Values my opinions

• Supports what I want to do in life

• Is truthful with me

• Admits to being wrong

• Respects me

• Likes that I have other friends

• Makes me laugh

• Trusts me

• Treats me as an equal

• Respects my family

• Understands my need for time alone or with family

• Accepts me as I am

 

Loves me not:

• Is jealous

• Is possessive

• Tries to control me

• Gets violent, loses temper quickly

• Always blames me

• Is sexually demanding

• Keeps me from seeing friends and family

• Makes all the decisions

• Embarrasses me in front of others

• Hits me

• Makes me cry

• Is always ‘checking up’ on me

• Takes my money and other things

• Threatens to leave me if I don’t do what I’m told

• Teases, bullies and puts me down

People whose behaviours includes those on the ‘Loves me’ list, show greater emotional maturity than those displaying behaviours on the ‘Loves me not’ list. A number of those behaviours can be seen in children. Hence the expression, “Oh Grow up!”

While most of the focus has been on female victims, there is beginning to be recognition that young boys and adults need educating too, especially with the easier availability of, and exposure to, violent and extreme pornography online. Actress and UN Women Global Goodwill Ambassador, Emma Watson, has recently launched He for She. The York Charity, Jack Raine Foundation also looks at addressing these problems.

If abusers and the abused are the fruits of a problem, perhaps society needs to give greater attention to the roots.

- Rita Leaman is a psychotherapist and writer who lives in North Yorkshire. As Alison R Russell, she is the author of ‘Are You Chasing Rainbows?’ www.chasingrainbows.org.uk. She also writes a blog on emotional health: http://alisonrussell275.blogspot.co.uk