IF ONLY I knew the Sultan of Brunei. But I don’t, so I can’t ask him for a loan. An interest-free loan, that I could pay back at a ridiculously slow rate, if at all. If I know him well enough he may give it me as a gift, after all what’s £425,000 to one of the world’s richest men.

I need the money to buy a house. Not just any house, but a cottage we have holidayed in 14 times. It’s not big, but sadly it is in Sandsend, a picturesque coastal village rapidly emerging as a millionaire’s playground. I can just about afford the estate agent’s photograph, but not the bricks and mortar. So I’m on a mission to make cash – fast.

Colleagues suggested the Lottery, but I had already gone down that route with two tickets – and lost.

There’s no end of advice on the internet as to how to make a fast buck.

But I don’t want to sell my body parts – who, other than a starving alligator, would want them anyway?

I’m not keen on setting up as a scrap metal dealer – I haven’t got the energy to go out in the middle of the night to remove drain covers and smelt them down as is the trend nowadays. And I’m not altogether certain that my neighbours would welcome a Steptoe and Son scenario next door.

Were I a banker drawing huge bonuses or a premiership footballer on £300,000 a minute, I might take out a payday loan, but on my salary it would just about cover a basket of groceries.

‘Rent out your property’ some websites advise. If I thought I could make serious cash I would, but I’m not the Duke of Westminster and we’re not talking a 16-bed townhouse in Belgravia, but a dilapidated semi in Yorkshire that’s just one notch up from a tent.

I can’t believe how many ‘get rich quick’ ideas include gambling. ‘Visit a casino’ urges one website.

In theory, you could win big bucks on the roulette wheel, but in practice that’s rarely the case. And you have to play huge sums to win huge sums.

Horse racing? My colleague just lost a fair bit at Cheltenham Festival, so maybe it’s not such a good bet.

I’m still kicking myself over my failure to back locally trained 2013 Grand National winner Auroras Encore. However, my skinflint £1 each-way wouldn’t have swelled the coffers much, even at 66-1.

I’ll have to resign myself to the fact that I’m not going to be able to buy the cottage.

But while it’s for still for sale I may have one last, desperate, go on the lottery.