Dear Kirsten,

I’ve been married for four years to my husband. We met on holiday and travelled together for a few years before settling down.

We have changed quite a bit since settling down and both have quite demanding jobs. We have a little boy who is two and I would really like a brother or sister for him.

Recently, over the last six months our sex life has stopped. Things are busy in the evening and we are often really tired but even when I put effort in and try to make for a romantic evening he isn’t interested.

He makes excuses from not feeling great, to being tired to needing to get up early and it feels like something else is going on. 

I’m not wanting sex all the time but I am missing being close with him.

I’ve started to feel unattractive, since my little boy I’ve gained some weight and I can’t stay on top of things like I used to, I’ve wondered if he might be thinking of someone else or even if he is seeing someone on the side. 

Kirsten replies:

It’s really normal for couples to go through periods like this and it's possibly something people need to talk about more openly. We still hear those urban myths suggesting the average couple are at it like rabbits while we are twiddling our thumbs watching Corrie.

A quick round up of statistics shows the 49 per cent of Brits have sex on average once a week whilst 10 per cent of couples have stopped having sex in their marriage.

There are many factors that play into someone’s libido: hormones, psychological stress, how they feel about their body, the opportunities they have and the importance they place on a sexual relationship. 

It can be easy to jump to conclusions about why your husband has slowed down sexually and I want to reassure you that the most common causes of a lack of sexual intimacy are usually connected to stress, hormones, mood and confidence.

It is much more rare to find it’s down to an affair or to not finding you attractive. 

You’ve not long since given birth and having children can really shift the dynamics in a family.

You describe a life that sounds really full to the brim with you both working and trying to raise a family, it might be that sleep is more important to your husband at the moment.

He might not realise  the impact his lack of intimacy is having on you and I would encourage you to spend some time making sure your self esteem can survive this, avoiding you then not wanting to be intimate because your confidence is subsiding.

It’s going to come as no surprise that I think you should talk to him, pick a time when you have the psychological space to be able to give this your full attention.

This is a delicate area for some men and he might be defensive, taking an approach that focuses on how much you miss him might be helpful.

Your aim will be to find out what is happening within the relationship from his perspective and to help him connect with where you are coming from. If he is struggling psychologically, there are things that can be done to support him. If he is having physical issues such as erectile dysfunction or feels he has lost libido, he can speak with his GP.

Connecting back with each other in other ways - such as sharing thoughts and feelings can bring a wider sense of intimacy. Taking the pressure off you both by agreeing a period that will be sex free can really help some couples, use the time to get closer to each other in other ways without feeling as though there is pressure to have sex.

I wonder how long you have been trying for a sibling? And if this is something you have discussed together. There’s no need for me to tell you how life changing having a child can be and it might be that part of the reluctance to have sex might stem from his feelings about having or not having another child.  Giving space to revisit where you are with your family plans and making sure you are both on the same song sheet can bring a sense of connectedness and intimacy.

If it continues to be an issue, check out the College of Sexual and Relational Therapists on www.cosrt.org.uk/cosrt-register/ or have a look at Relate on www.relate.org.uk 

I wish you and your family all the best

Kirsten

Kirsten Antoncich FRSA

Psychotherapist and Neurofeedback Practitioner