Dear Kirsten, 

I have a mate - a guy, who I'm worried about. He moved away from the area a few years back to marry a woman he met online. I've met her a few times and she seemed alright, however since they've been together he doesn't get in touch much, I just put it down to him having moved away and being happy.

I bumped into him back in the area a few weeks back, he was with his partner, his mum had passed away and he was sorting out things for the funeral.

I spent a bit of time with them both and I saw her hit him. It was just a slap around the head. He looked nothing like the guy I used to know, he was just looking at the floor.

I told him I'd seen it and made a joke out of it, he said it's just her way and she gets angry when he cocks up.

It's not something I'd put up with, but he can't exactly hit her back. The more I think about him, the more I think he is low and it's sticking in my mind because I'm worried about him. But if he is OK with it then what can I do - and am I just making a fuss and would be better keeping my nose out?

Kirsten replies:

If we turned the tables and this was a female being hit we would call it domestic abuse, for some reason it seems to get murkier when the victim is a male.

We lose so many men to suicide each year, so many men struggle with the societal expectations of what men are supposed to be so it feels really important that we very clearly name a male partner being hit is a male victim of domestic violence.

When you say it was just a slap around the head it can almost feel as though it was a nothing, they way you describe his reaction and response might suggest that he is often hit in this way and this just isn't on.

According to ManKind, a charity supporting men who have been the victims of abuse, 576,000 men were harmed by their partners in 2018-19, 16 men lost their lives through domestic abuse in the same year and it is thought at least half of male victims don't report their concerns to the police.

Sadly, out of 240 refuge places, 40 are allocated to males. For men to report being the victim of a domestic assault they experience the same barriers of fear and shame as their female counterparts, it is more common for male victims to report that they have not been believed when they have tried to share their concerns.

Why am I telling you this? Because I feel really strongly that you need to help your friend. There's something society does to men, I think we can have an expectation that "real men" wouldn't allow this to happen, which is complete rubbish. Domestic abuse in any form can happen to either sex and being casually slapped around the head is absolutely not OK whether you are male or female.

Your friend is possibly already aware that this isn't OK. He might need support from you to see that this is abuse. He might need you to signpost him to support websites like ManKind, where he can read and relate to other men's stories. Try not to fall into the trap of discounting or making light of the slaps around the head; if you go along with the joke or accept that its OK for his partner to do this when they are angry, you help keep him stuck.

Couples can move through difficulty with support. Your friend needs to look at the boundaries within the relationship and to decide where he wants to draw the line.

He really does need your support; you've had a glimpse into what life may be like for him and are in a good position to be able to help.

Mankind run a helpline that's confidential and open weekdays 10-4pm, their number is 01823 334244. Respect men's advice line are open Monday to Friday and are on 0808 8010327, for out of hours support they can be contacted in confidence on info@mensadviceline.org.uk

I really do wish you and your friend all the best, so many men don't feel comfortable reporting domestic abuse, it's important we acknowledge that whilst the higher figures of domestic violence victims are still women, men are also being hurt and often being hurt in secret.

All Best Wishes

Kirsten