Dear Kirsten,

I've been together with my wife for 12 years, we have boys aged six and nine. Things have been difficult in the marriage for some time, my wife is quite anti-social, we don't see people, she doesn't like to explore or try new things and over the last few years it's been obvious we are not well suited.

I should have had the courage to tell her there and then that things weren't working, instead I met someone at work and we had an affair.

This isn't something I'm proud of, I still feel guilty when I think about the hurt I've caused. I told my wife last year that things were not working and after a while I also told her I had met someone else and had been unfaithful. 

To start with she was really keen to try and make it work and I tried counselling but my heart wasn't in it.

We agreed to go our separate ways and things were OK until the start of this year. As the boys came to stay they would make comments about how much I've hurt their mum and these have snowballed into them saying they know I'm not a nice person, that they don't want to stay with me or spend any time with me anymore.

A few weeks ago my wife called and said the boys didn't want to come and stay with me anymore and they would prefer it if I didn't call them as they didn't want any contact with me. The boys did stay at my Mum's and she called me to say that the boys had told her they didn't want to see me anymore as I had been mean and hurt mummy. When my mum talked with the boys about this, it seems my ex is telling them that I used to hit her.

I have never physically hurt anyone and don't know how to go about getting to see the boys. 

(name withheld) 

Kirsten answers:

There are no winners in this scenario, especially not your children who need the support of two parents in order to be able to cope with this change. 

It can be really tempting to enter into the ring and do battle with your ex or find a way to try to pull the children on to your side.

Try to hold off from being pulled into an emotional tug of war for the affection of your boys, it won't work and it will be damaging to them in the long run.

As painful as it is right now, you will need to be patient. 

You need some support with this issue for both your sake and the children's.

You call her your wife so I'm presuming as you are married there will/ might be divorce proceedings?

A good solicitor will be worth their weight in gold as you will need help navigating the separation.

If there are divorce proceedings involving children and the separation and custody arrangement are not amicable, CAFCASS are often involved.

They look at supporting the children and both parents with solutions to try to ensure contact is fair.

While they are impartial, they will take a view on whether the children are being negatively influenced against one parent without cause. 

There is a term "parental alienation" that is often talked about in situations when a child's resistance or hostility towards one parent is not justified and is the result of psychological manipulation by the other parent.

Try to stay steady, even though you don't have contact with them at the moment, still let them know you are there in the background if they need you.

The contact they have with your mum sounds positive. The boys might feel confused and challenged if grandma strongly disputes what mum has said; grandma might have to be gentle in how she defends you so she doesn't alienate them further or do anything to damage contact arrangements.

Please have a think about getting some support, you are going to need lots of patience to stop yourself being reactive and being pulled into the tug of war.

There are some amazing organisations that support dads.

Have a look at Families Need Fathers www.fnf.org.uk, they have volunteers who have been through similar issues, access to legal advice and support and run meetings with other dads going through similar issues.

Shared parenting (www.sharedparenting.or.uk) supports one or both parents in finding a workable solution around contact for the children and can support and advise on any issues that are getting in the way of contact.

Finally, www.RollingStoneCoaching.com offers coaching to one or both parents in similar situations.

All Best Wishes

Kirsten

Kirsten Antoncich FRSA

Clinical Psychotherapist and Neurofeedback practitioner