Dear Kirsten, 

I had a garden party with a BBQ with family in our garden to celebrate being back together again.

My cousin brought her new partner for the first time and we were all really excited to meet him.

Towards the end of the evening we had all had a bit to drink and were sitting talking, I noticed my cousin's partner looking around at the rest of us and then I saw him put something from the table in his pocket, I didn't say anything but carried on watching him and saw him pocket bits of cutlery.

I was completely shocked but at the time I thought it was really funny.

As we've cleared away I've noticed other things are missing - they aren't even expensive things, the one that bothers me most is a candle holder I got from Sainsbury's.

I've thought about it for ages, I can't stop thinking about it and I feel really angry that he would steal things from us and the way he did it - looking around to make sure no one was looking felt really practised.

I want my stuff back but how do I ask for it back?

What if he denies it and I look like I'm accusing a soon-to-be family member of theft ?

Name withheld

Kirsten replies

I'M not surprised you're a tad miffed! I think any of us would be if we had items stolen from us - it doesn't matter if they have financial value or not.

On the surface reacting to the loss of items that don't have financial value and/or are easy to replace might seem a bit silly, you can just pop to the supermarket and get a new one surely?

That's not how loss works - and loss through theft however big or small brings up loss and boundary violations.

Human brains have a tendency to pull up feelings from the past alongside our reactions to here and now events and it might be that there is something being pulled up alongside the theft.

It might also be that this is just a really rubbish thing to happen and you feel really annoyed about it, which is a pretty fair reaction.

It seems like you have two options here :

1: You can find a way to ask either the partner or the family if they have your items ;

2: You do nothing. 

Personally, I'd plump for option 1, these are your belongings and you want them back, who cares if it's a candle from Sainsbury's or a spoon from Aldi, it doesn't matter, it belongs to you and it was taken.

With option 1 you can go the direct route and ask him directly, maybe even letting them know what you saw or you could ask everyone that was at the party if they have seen your items and if they do see them could they give you a shout?

Again, I'm leaning towards the first option. You might find that speaking with all your family is a bit less confrontational however it would still leave you feeling really annoyed and confused by your cousin's partner's behaviour and that type of thing can fester.

You could always approach your cousin - it depends on what your relationship is like and how you think they might react to the news.

It might be helpful for your cousin to know what her partner has done - and if this is a regular thing to get them some support. 

To practise what you want to say - if you go down that route, try writing things down in a letter and revisit it over the course of a few days, adding to it as you go.

Don't censor your feelings - you can do that later, put as much in it as you can.

When you feel you've got everything you would want to say in there, you can edit it to form a script that you can fall back on if you need to.

You deserve to get your items back - while it's likely that this person needs some help to explore the reasons they do this and to stop it, that isn't your issue and you holding and protecting your boundaries is important.

It's normal to have thoughts about violations run through our minds over and over; your brain is trying to both find a solution and process the feelings that this has brought up.

It's also really common to find something funny and then in the cold light of day to realise that the humour was covering deeper feelings.

Whichever route you go down, make sure it's chosen for the right reason and that it feels like the right route for you.

All best wishes

Kirsten

Kirsten Antoncich FRSA

UKCP Psychotherapist and Neurofeedback practitioner