'My boyfriend hit me - what should I do?'

We’ve been together six years and live together now. Everything was going really well, we get on really well, our families know each other and get on, we have made plans for the future together and enjoy the time we spent with each other. We have both worked at the same company for a few years and have been roundabout the same level pay wise and position wise.

When Covid hit, the company struggled and we all took a temporary pay cut, after a few months my boyfriend was let go. We managed for a bit and he seemed ok about things but after a few months he started to get very low, not getting out of bed, not really talking to me, not looking for work.

My reason for writing in is that a few weeks ago he hit me, really hard. I haven’t told anyone about it because I’m worried it will get blown out of proportion.

I don’t know if he will do it again and I don’t know if this even counts as domestic violence or if it’s something I should be worried about.

I feel silly for even thinking about it like that but Im struggling to sweep it under the carpet and carry on as normal. How do you know if they will do it again?

Question abridged 

Name withheld

Kirsten replies:

Let’s not sweep this one under the carpet, as much as my heart goes out to your boyfriend - let’s call a spade a spade, this is an assault and you have been the victim of domestic violence.

Will he do it again? We don’t know, statistics will say that a repeat offence is very likely. The real question is why you would want to stay around to find out?

I wonder if he has been slowly eroding boundaries in the relationship for a while - the things that can often come before violence, like emotional abuse.

It might be that this has come like a bolt out of the blue - just check out with yourself if there has been anything else happening between you that is altering the balance of power in his favour.

This could be an awful one-off or the start of a pattern, says Kirsten

Please, please don’t discount what has happened between you both, it’s serious, it doesn’t matter if it’s a one-off or a pattern, it’s serious and you need to think it through seriously.

I would encourage you to talk to your family about it, if that doesn’t feel like a good fit, talk to friends, a GP or any of the numbers I will put at the end of this answer. 

He sounds very low in mood, understandable given his job loss and the difficulty in having a partner be the breadwinner at the same firm.

Whilst we can all understand how much that must have impacted him, it doesn’t excuse his violence towards you. There are many avenues of support open to him other than harming you.

I guess what you are asking is whether this relationship is safe and the answer is, no one knows.

This could be an awful one-off or the start of a pattern that can be very difficult to escape from.

This might sound like a tough line, but people will only treat you in the manner you allow them to. If you don’t take his actions seriously and weigh up your next steps carefully, you are not protecting yourself, you are not holding safe boundaries in your relationships.

You obviously care for him, you can understand him, forgive him - it doesn’t mean you have to stay with him.

However, if, on the other hand you are committed to him  and want to give him a second chance, think safety first. Get a wide support network around you, talk to people you trust about what has happened, don’t keep silent.

Is he taking responsibility for his behaviour? Does he understand the impact on you? Does he respect you in the relationship? Will he go to some couples therapy with you?

These are all questions I would want to ask myself before I considered whether to stay in a relationship where I had been physically hurt.

Please take some support and advice from the 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline on

0808 2000 247.

No-one can tell you if this relationship is safe and sadly, for so many women (and men) the violence doesn’t stop at the first punch.

Please take care of yourself. 

Kirsten

UKCP Psychotherapist and Neurofeedback practitioner