Dear Kirsten,

I don’t really know how to start, I’m so down and I’m feeling low most days. I feel like I don’t want to be here any more, it’s hard to even put this down.

I’m seven months pregnant and I have another son who is 14 and a younger daughter.

My son has  just been diagnosed with autism and also seems to be having a hard time with being low and struggling at school.

I get nothing but disrespect from my partner, he drinks most days and has friends round that expect me to fetch and carry for them, they are rowdy and upset my son.

I don’t think I have anyone to talk to, I don’t have any family I can go to and the only people that visit are his friends or a health visitor. I can’t tell the health visitor because she is a mental health focused one and if I tell her she will have to tell others and I don’t know what they will do.

Name withheld 

Kirsten says:

I’m so glad you have written in, there are quite a few points in your letter to be addressed let’s start with the most important one which is your mental health.

You won’t be able to offer full guidance and support to your son if you are feeling this low, you won’t be able to make choices about your partner and put in boundaries if you aren’t feeling strong within yourself.

I get that you are frightened to talk to the health visitor, I know that you can start to worry about the steps they will take if they get a sense of risk.

If we put that back into perspective, a health visitor’s  role is to support you and to help you make sure the children and the pregnancy is thriving. If they hear that there is suicidal thinking – and let’s be clear, this is something that many  people struggle with and health visitors will often hear about – they will be supportive, they will be glad you’ve been able to confide in them and they will help you get support. 

You’ve written in asking for guidance, which shows that part of you wants help and does want to find a way to be here, the next step is to get additional support to move on past this low mood and these suicidal feelings.

Suicidal feelings are common, I’m not saying this to be dismissive of your experience more to let you know that you’re not alone, that professionals hear of these types of thoughts all the time and that they pass with the right support. It’s your brain’s way of finding an escape from some things that you are finding difficult; with support you can come to learn that there are other ways to tackle what’s really going on.

If you really can’t speak to your health visitor then your GP is another good person to talk to, again, they will be used to people talking to them about suicidal feelings.

They will know as professionals, just because someone has suicidal thoughts doesn’t mean they will act upon them, it means they are reaching their limit of things they can cope with and need support.

If your GP isn’t an option then Mind is great  (https://www.mind.org.uk/need-urgent-help/using-this-tool ) as are the Samaritians ( https://www.samaritans.org). There will also be local low-cost or charity services near you that can offer some talking support.

With what you have written about your partner, I’m worried that getting out of the house or getting to support might be an issue?

I get that if he is home all day and is drinking there might be a volatile atmosphere at home which will be contributing to how you feel. Has your health visitor noticed this? Can you find a way to talk to her in private about it?

Reading between the lines I’m wondering if you are scared of any safeguarding action being taken if someone finds out that there is alcohol abuse at home and that you are struggling.

Again I want to reassure you that plenty of mums have mental health issues and parent well, and that all of those agencies are interested in supporting you to be well and your family to thrive.

When you say your partner is disrespectful, I’m trying to get a sense of how far that has gone. If you follow this link https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk it has some definitions of domestic abuse and some suggestions for getting help – I might be barking up the wrong tree – but it’s there, just  in case you need some support in that area .

I could go on to talk about autism and your son but really, I think the most important thing it to get you to some support. Please reach out to someone.

Kirsten Antoncich

UKCP Clinical Psychotherapist and Neurofeedback Practitioner