Dear Kirsten, 

My daughter has come home from school this week and said she thinks she is autistic, her dad and I were both shocked to be honest because she is just a normal kid, pretty much the same as her younger sister. 

We sat down with her and asked her to talk to us about why.

She hasn't really settled in well at secondary school, she had a few close friends last year but they seem to have fizzled out.

She does have one close boy friend who she hangs about with. 

She told us that she is struggling to talk to people, her dad pulled her up on this because she chats to people outside school all the time.

She is starting to say loud noises hurt her and that she struggles with the noise at school.

We are worried that she has read this on the internet somewhere or someone at school has had a diagnosis and she's doing it to get some attention - I don't mean that to sound awful but she can sometimes feel overshadowed by her little sister.

It feels like it's come out of the blue - there was no mention of this last term, she wasn't happy but she wasn't complaining of the things she is now.

My husband is really anti labels and says that even if there was something like autism going on, what use would a label be? I have to say I agree with him.

Do I wait and see if she keeps saying it, or speak to school or should I think about getting her checked out?

Name supplied

Kirsten replies:

Your daughter might have heard about it from someone else, she might have Googled, whichever way she found out about it, it's worth exploring. 

Autism in girls looks very different from what we have typically, historically  understood autism to be, in fact, it's so different, girls have historically been missed and have struggled without recognition of their neurodiversity.  

Girls with autism will often be able to hold eye contact, smile, respond in socially appropriate ways. Girls with autism can often learn to pass within their peer groups, this can become more difficult as they move up to secondary school and behaviours become more complex.

When you say your partner has noticed she can talk to others outside school, that could be as a result of masking, without further assessment there will be no way of knowing for sure.

Autism can often sit at the root of other issues, anxiety, hyperactivity, depression, poor self-esteem - and so for these reasons it's worth seeking some professional advice.

If, once it's been looked into, there is no diagnosis, it's still worth bearing in mind she is showing you she is unhappy at school or that something else is going on.

I understand your worries about whether labels are useful and I think it can sometimes come down to the choice of the individual. It sounds as though your daughter is seeking something to help her make sense of how she is feeling. Many young people I have worked with have felt a sense of relief at being diagnosed, it gives them a framework to understand why they feel the way they do and helps them explain to others why they might need to do things differently.

For some, a diagnosis can feel difficult to bear, they might feel it divides them from their peers or makes them different in a way they feel uncomfortable about.

The bottom line here is to think it through as a family and listen to what your daughter might need and want. Having a diagnosis also communicates to school a set of needs and they can work with you to help bring in additional specialist support, making life easier for you all.

There are some really helpful resources available online.

A great one to look at is aspiringtobeu.com , a website for women and girls with autism.

There are some articles looking at the benefits of early diagnosis and some lived experience input which can often be helpful.

The National Autistic Society has a wealth of support for you to explore and has a section on its website dedicated to diagnosis. (www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis)

It might be that your daughter has some traits of neurodiversity that need exploring and it could be that any further assessment comes to nothing: I would, however, hate for a young person to share their worries about having a diagnosis and to not have their questions answered or explored.

Do get in touch with school, they might well have some more input and information from how they experience her in school.

Kirsten Antoncich FRSA

UKCP clinical psychotherapist