THE Diary’s attention has been drawn to a book called Disorder In The American Courts.

It contains examples of what people have actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had to stay calm while these exchanges were taking place.

Here are a few examples:

ATTORNEY: “What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?”
WITNESS: “He said, Where am I, Cathy?’”
ATTORNEY: “And why did that upset you?”
WITNESS: “My name is Susan.”

ATTORNEY: “Are you sexually active?”
WITNESS: “No, I just lie there.”

ATTORNEY: “Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?”
WITNESS: “We both do.”
ATTORNEY: “Voodoo?”
WITNESS: “We do.”
ATTORNEY: “You do?”
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: “Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
WITNESS: “Did you actually pass the bar exam?”

ATTORNEY: “How was your first marriage terminated?”
WITNESS: “By death.”
ATTORNEY: “And by whose death was it terminated?”
WITNESS: “Whose death do you suppose terminated it?”

ATTORNEY: “Can you describe the individual?”
WITNESS: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”
ATTORNEY: “Was this a male or a female?”
WITNESS: “Guess.”

ATTORNEY: “Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
WITNESS: “All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?”

ATTORNEY: “Do you recall the time that you examined the body?”
WITNESS: “The autopsy started around 8:30pm.”
ATTORNEY: “And Mr Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.”

And The Diary hopes you will agree that we have saved the best for last:
ATTORNEY: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
WITNESS: “No.”
ATTORNEY: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
WITNESS: “No.”
ATTORNEY: “Did you check for breathing?”
WITNESS: “No.”
ATTORNEY: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
WITNESS: “No.”
ATTORNEY: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
WITNESS: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
ATTORNEY: “I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?”
WITNESS: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.”