Dear Kirsten,

I was married for nearly 30 years to a man I believed was my soul mate. He left me last year for a woman he worked with, there was no warning he just didn't come home.

He didn't even tell me himself, he left a brief letter telling me he didn't love me anymore and our marriage was over.

I managed better than I thought I would, all through the divorce I felt angry but I was managing to function.

I volunteer for a charity and I didn't miss a day. I kept up with friends and people close to us said I was handling it brilliantly.

I thought I was too, recently I've been feeling overwhelmed with anger.

I can't get the thought they had been planning this for ages out of my head.

I feel like they were laughing at me and that I was stupid to miss any signs. The more I talk to my friends and family about it, the more people are telling me that it's time I was getting over it and there's no point dwelling on it.

Now, I feel like I can't talk about it with anyone without them telling me that I've got to think about my own life and move on. I don't know how to get closure on something that is as big as this.

Name withheld

Kirsten replies:

Firstly, I'm so sorry you have been through such a difficult time, the loss of a long-term partner is devastating and when it is combined with betrayal it can leave you questioning the memories and foundations you had built together.

It's too early to be telling you to move on or pull yourself together in fact it's likely that the divorce gave you a framework to focus on and keep more powerful feelings in check - much like the funeral when a loved one has died.

This is complex grief, it sounds like in order to cope, you kept a lid on your feelings.

We can only do this for so long, eventually they begin to seep out and we need to acknowledge they are there and face them head on.

Your feelings are valid, don't let anyone hurry you out of them.

Given the level of betrayal and the breaking of trust, anger is an appropriate response. If you feel it isn't dissipating over time, it might be that in order to begin to fully work through this, you need to allow yourself to experience a different range of emotions.

Have you fully grieved for the loss of your marriage or has anger blocked you from getting in touch with other feelings?

There are times when our feelings can be blocking us from getting to more vulnerable emotions and thoughts. Sometimes focusing on an active emotion like anger helps us to stay away from feelings such as sadness that we are less comfortable with and find harder to soothe.

Your ex-husband has hurt you deeply and there is much to process about his behaviour, the actions he took and the lack of respect he has shown you.

The abrupt way in which he ended the marriage will be difficult to process, especially as you say you hadn't any warning. It will bring up questions that are possibly uncomfortable about the marriage.

In order to let go of the hurt and move on, you need support to process everything that has happened. Trying to move on too quickly will leave behind unprocessed emotions, thoughts and trauma and this can influence our mental and emotional health later on. Find a good therapist, let them rather than friends take the weight of the things you need to say. Spend time in a supportive environment looking at what you need to let go.

Typically, in order to gain closure we need to have worked through the full range of emotions connected to the experience, to "finish the business" - by this I mean to have said the things you were unable to say, maybe in the form of an unsent letter or some work within your therapy sessions.

Finally a choice has to be made to let go, to move on and leave it behind. Marking this in some way can be useful, whilst I'm not suggesting a great big bonfire of his belongings - getting rid of ties to him might be part of this.

Thinking about the future can be difficult when you have lost your partner, trying to develop your new identity, embracing things you love, planning a new direction for yourself can help take the focus of the past and bring it back onto you.

To find a therapist that can support you, try counselling directory or Psychology Today.

All Best Wishes

Kirsten

Kirsten Antoncich

UKCP Psychotherapist and Neurofeedback practitioner