IF YOU’RE lucky enough to have a garden, bank holiday weekends should be a time of rest and recuperation in the peace and quiet of your little haven.

But it’s never like that. Unless your garden is on an uninhabited island, you’ll likely have to face the sort of noise you’d expect from a major construction project.

Hammers, saws, drills, planers, sanders, you name it, if they stock it in Wickes, you’ll hear it.

People simply can’t relax on bank holidays - and that is one of the reasons why I hate them. Sit back in your deckchair and you’ll get no peace. Chances are, someone two gardens up will be laying a patio or erecting a gazebo.

There’s no point trying to escape the din by going inside, as it’s likely that next door will be demolishing a party wall or installing a new kitchen.

Why do people wait until bank holidays to tackle major DIY projects?

I blame the constant barrage of TV shows: ‘DIY SOS’, ’60 Minute Makeover’, ‘Build Your Own House Before Breakfast’. Okay, I made that last one up, but if you get up early enough I’m sure it’s possible. We’ve got Katie Price transforming her ‘Mucky Mansion’ and Sarah Beeny building a squeaky clean mansion from scratch.

A similar diet of improvement shows are served up for gardens: Filthy Garden SOS - yes, really. Katie Price aside, who would actually want to appear on a show with that title? You wouldn’t be able to go to the Post Office without someone in the queue nudging her friend: “There’s that woman with the filthy garden…”

What we forget is that these programmes often have teams of people on the job, who know what they’re doing. They CAN turn a sow’s ear into a silk purse in a day. We see this and get it into our heads that we too also achieve miracles, and that the Easter bank holiday is the time to go for it.

We are also encouraged by magazines and newspapers. Good Homes magazine’s website is among the many determined to ruin the four day break by suggesting ‘Six DIY jobs for the bank holiday weekend’: regrout tiles, remove mould from walls, change a light fixture, make a fire pit, paint floorboards, remove skirting boards. Such fun. Readers Digest goes one better with 14 DIY tasks we need to get cracking on.

So, on Good Friday there’s no lie in for those of us stupid enough to succumb: it’s straight to the industrial estate to stock up on timber, grout, No More Nails, more nails - which you’ll certainly need if you’re throwing up a four-storey extension - and whatever else you require to turn your utility room into an orangery.

I’ve given in to bank holiday DIY madness myself - in our last house, we hired a sanding machine and stripped the floorboards in two bedrooms. We warned the neighbours, but the racket could be heard along the whole street. It was mortifying and the dust took six months to settle.

No wonder there’s a huge rise in accidents over bank holiday weekends. The queues for A&E are as long as those at B&Q, as hospitals see a marked rise in DIY and gardening injuries.

What we really should do on bank holidays is not very much. Instead of looking around at those patches of damp, peeling wallpaper and the bathroom tiles you have hated since you moved in, ignore it all, go for a country walk or cycle ride, have a drink in a pub.

You’ll come home feeling refreshed and invigorated. You’ll feel so good you won’t think about home improvements. Unless it’s pouring with rain - then maybe you should factor in a trip to Wickes.