How to become an MP...

First you must tell a blatant untruth and then convince the public that you were misinterpreted or misconstrued.

After this apply to be an MP. If accepted, promise your constituents that all their problems are your main concern and you will fight tooth and nail to make their dreams come true.

If, after you are elected, you are offered a non-executive job with a good annual salary whose objectives are totally against your constituents wishes, you accept.

When you take your seat in Parliament you learn how to cheer, boo and wave bits of white paper - you don’t know why but someone called the Whip told you to.

After a late sitting you go to the Commons bar and consume copious amounts of subsidised alcohol and claim vast amounts of expenses. You may then become a minister, have one of your proposals rejected, and be called upon to resign. Your resignation is accepted and you retire with a gold-plated pension.

You then take to the speech circuit, where you offer advice to people on subjects you know nothing about.

TJ Ryder, Huntsmans Walk, Acomb