WELL, it has been a year. There have been tears, tantrums and traumas, but I've survived 12 months as the I owner of a computer.

Still, I wouldn't claim to know much more about it than I did on the day it was delivered, and there are countless messages frequently sent to me that I cannot fathom. They must mean something to someone, somewhere, but I have yet to come across anyone from the real world - as opposed to Bill Gates and salesmen who inhabit Office World - who can sensibly translate them or who know why they appear so regularly.

Then there are those sudden flashes of computer news whose meaning I can understand, but which still confuse. The main offenders are:

'Scan for threats.'

Of course I know what this means. I don't want to be plagued with viruses anymore than the next person, and my computer came with a year's anti-virus service free of charge. What I fail to grasp is that, every time this message pops up, the virus checker races through thousands of files. It will say 'Files scanned: 189,766', or some-such astronomical number, when, in actual fact, I've only amassed about 40 files since I first turned on the machine. Where are the thousands of others, that's what I'd like to know. Is someone hacking into my system?

'Updates are ready for your computer. Click here to install.'

Again, I know that updates must mean exactly that - something out-of-date is being upgraded. Now, I know all about the speed of technological change, but this message appears every time I turn the machine on. Nothing needs updating this fast. And if it is happening I can't see any evidence of it - after each update, everything is exactly the same as it was before.

'Changes have been made that affect the global template Normal. Do you want to save those changes?'

The first time I saw this message I shook with fear. That I, one woman, sitting in a little room in my house in Yorkshire, could have done something so terrible as to affect the 'global template.' I envisaged worldwide disruption to key services - the money markets, global transport links, air traffic control at major airports. What a nightmare. I froze for a few minutes, before tentatively touching the 'No' key. Thankfully, there was nothing on the news that night and I appeared to have been spared the humiliation of being behind another Black Monday.

'Other people are using this computer and may lose work if you turn off... do you want to turn off?'

This happened when I pressed something I clearly shouldn't have. A scary message if ever I saw one - worse in many ways than the destruction of the global template, although I was sure the two were linked. This was hard evidence that 'others', somewhere out there in Cyberspace, were hacking into my hard drive (and no, I still don't know what that is). What a dilemma. I didn't want strangers working on my computer, but I also didn't want people to lose their work. Someone could be half way through a novel, I thought, to have me come along and delete it. Weighing up the pros and cons, however, I pressed 'yes' and got out of there quickly.

Updated: 09:05 Tuesday, May 31, 2005