THERE are many things for which history might remember George W Bush, but a towering intellect is not likely to be among them.

So it is perhaps fitting that the leader of the free world has been immortalised as a species of beetle.

Reports from America say that the President's alter ego will be named agathidium bushi, and to make sure it isn't too much of a lonesome cowboy, two other newly-discovered beetles are being named after Vice-President Dick Cheney and Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld,

Take a bow, agathidium cheneyi and agathidium rumsfeldi. Together with agathidium bushi, these are among 65 beetle types which just love to feed on mould.

The scientists who spotted them crawling out from under a stone (the beetles, I mean) stress that there is no physical resemblance between them and Dubya, Donald and Dick.

Which is just as well, given that the scientists have named some of the other beetles after their wives.

The delight of the honoured spouses can only be imagined, particularly since they must be aware that along with Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld, their namesakes are rubbing shoulders with bugs named after the Star Wars villain Darth Vader, and after the Greek words for 'ugly' and for 'having prominent teeth'.

Apparently, the scientists, who include the head of the Natural History Museum in London, admire the US politicians for having the courage of their convictions and for standing up for freedom and democracy.

It rather makes you stop to consider why they didn't find time in their busy schedules to immortalise the cream of our own political crop.

Agathidium blairi, agathidium howardi... you have to admit it, they have a bit of a ring about them.

And who knows? Maybe if we bemused voters could take a peek at the beetles and their funny little ways, we might find it easier to choose between their human counterparts next month.

I wonder what might be going on under the microscope? Obviously, agathidium howardi would have something of the night about it, so you'd have to get up in the early hours to observe its nocturnal activities. I wouldn't like to speculate what sort of mould it might prefer.

Agathidium blairi, for its part, would prefer a lowland habitat, probably prone to fog, yet it would be lightweight enough to be carried whichever way the wind might blow, and adaptable enough to swallow whatever it needed in order to survive. In Darwinian terms, it would be a real winner.

There is a fly in the ointment, if you'll forgive my jumping between species. Agathidium kennedyi... now, that kind of name could create a bit of confusion. If we're not careful, it could cause a landslide Lib Dem victory.

Yes, study of this humble creature must be close if it is not to be confused with a somewhat more illustrious American counterpart. Observers should be particularly aware that its preferred food source is distillery sweepings and tobacco factory dust, so that it is more likely to be found in these habitats than in the women's bedrooms that once were the haunt of its US relation.

But I don't know. All this scientific examination is starting to sound a bit exhausting for us apathetic Brits. It could get almost as bad as wading through manifestos and party political broadcasts. Surely there must be a third way?

Well... this is nothing if not a pin-stickers election. So I'd say you could do worse than base your decision on a game of chance.

Blackjack? Pontoon? Roulette, Russian or otherwise? Quick round of Beetle Drive, anyone?

Updated: 11:01 Wednesday, April 20, 2005