WE were thrilled to read that City of York Council is to employ motorcycle traffic wardens, echoing Californian biker cop show CHiPS.

The Diary now believes York should ditch its much-delayed Local Plan, and instead base all its decisions on copies of the Radio Times circa 1977. There is a Seventies TV programme answer to every area of policy...

Problem: crime.

TV solution: Wonder Woman. In a supersonic twirl, Chief Constable Della Cannings swaps her navy fleece for an Amazonian bodice and high-kicks the criminals across the city limits.

Problem: litter.

Solution: The Wombles. Science City York breeds a number of giant super-rats, capable of clearing the streets of rubbish every night. As an enjoyable aside, they would also scare the willies out of the Micklegate Run crowd.

Problem: binge drinking.

Solution: Dallas. In York pubs, alcopops are replaced by JR Ewing's favoured brand of whisky. He gulped down three bucketfuls of this every hour and yet was never once seen vomiting or urinating in doorways (although his record on brawling is less impressive).

Problem: shopping.

Solution: Are You Being Served? A branch of Grace Bros on Spurriergate would attract shoppers from far and wide keen to be flashed at by malfunctioning robot mannequins.

Problem: York council's planning committee.

Solution: the Muppets. Well, they're practically interchangeable already.

Problem: traffic.

Solution: The Goodies. Intelligent bollards to only allow people cycling on a trandem into the city centre.

Problem: York's cash crisis. Solution: the Paul Daniels Magic Show. Diminutive entertainer conjures £100 million from behind Quentin Macdonald's ear. The council would like that. Not a lot...

TRIVIA fanatic Mike Bennett, of the Richard III Museum in Monk Bar, tells the Diary that Charles and Camilla's recent nuptials were far from unique.

"Charles was actually the eighth king to have remarried," he emails.

"Yorkshire's own Henry I (born Selby, 1068, and king 1100-1135) started it all, marrying Adelicia of Louvain in 1120 following the death of his first wife, Matilda of Scotland, in 1118.

"Renowned baddie King John (king 1199-1216) elected to dump his wife of ten years Isabella of Gloucester just before becoming king, in favour of the more Gallic Isabella, of Angouleme. It was, in fact, the first royal divorce."

The Middle Ages saw a further three remarrying kings. Nine years after his first wife Eleanor's death, Edward I (king 1272-1307) married Margaret of France, some 43 years his junior. "His virility undiminished, he sired three children with young Margaret, to add to the 16 (yes!) Eleanor bore him...

"The luckless Richard II (king 1377-1399) also married twice, first to Anne of Bohemia (when they were both 15) and second, following Anne's death, to Isabella of France, who was a mere seven."

Completing the list of royal re-marriers are Henry IV, Henry VIII (who wrote the book on the subject) and James II. So now you know.

THE revelation that the new Coyote Bar in York will only employ female dancers is a great shame.

We had in mind York top cop Chief Superintendent Tim Madgwick jigging on the bar in his ooh-la-la shorts, driving the punters wild while keeping a lid on potential disorder.

Or did we just dream that?

Updated: 10:56 Thursday, April 14, 2005