UNLESS you have spent the last year on the planet Skaro plotting to conquer the universe, you will know that a new series of Doctor Who starts on Saturday.

The Diary, never one to leave a bandwagon unjumped, is therefore delighted to bring you our own take on the classic fantasy serial.

Fans of our only previous mini-series, Captain Calamity, will be delighted to know this story is penned by the same mystery author.

So without further ado, here is episode one of... Councillor Who.

The story so far... Having set their location as Coney Street, York, Councillor Who and his intrepid assistant, Annie, travel forward in time to the year 2055 in a Tardis disguised as a council Smart car.

The intrepid duo emerge blinking into a strange, canary-coloured light. They suddenly realise the whole street is painted yellow with huge "no vehicle" signs.

Suddenly, six armed men emerge and surround the smart car. One of them demands: "As a Parking Rapid Action Team member, I hereby impound this car under powers granted to me under the 2006 anti-car act.

"Your car will be taken and crushed at the Knavesmire scrapyard unless you pay the 100,000 Blairos fine."

"Wait a minute," says Coun Who. "You can't have a scrapyard on Knavesmire."

"Oh yes we can," says the PRAT official. "It was established in 2005. Apparently a race meeting went horribly wrong and the whole city's traffic gridlocked for six months. The then Queen banned horse racing in York."

Gulping, the two time travellers looked at one another and said: "We are off to see the sights. We are going to the Minster."

Loading their Smart car on to a truck, another PRAT shouts: "Don't you mean the McMinster? The sign of the golden arches..?"

Next week: Who and Annie confront a terrifying mechanical adversary: the triple decker monster bus...

AFTER all the hysteria being whipped up by the nastier elements of the popular press about travellers' sites, we salute Hugh Bayley.

The York MP risked a pre-election backlash with this brave and timely Parliamentary intervention: "May I congratulate my honourable friend on standing up for people who are unpopular? If travellers are citizens of this country they must have the same rights, including the right to legal aid, as any other citizen."

IDEAS are piling up for the Diary's antidote to Royal Ascot, Republican Ascot. Thank you to Richard Lowe, of Holgate, who has thought up some crackers. The June festival, he tells us, "has been a major talking point in our local hostelry for some time, and all of it is negative".

Room precludes us from printing all his ideas today, but we will whet your appetite with this one...

"A presidential-style motorcade to open Republican Ascot York, with our Great Leader Tony and First Lady Cherie to ride in open-topped BMW convertible. To be followed by 25 bullet-proof Cadillacs (loaned by an American friend for the day), to provide Secret Service cover against alleged threat of terrorist attack (from York and Ainsty Hunt Supporters)."

WE are handing over this space to a proper journalist for a few days, so more on Republican Ascot will follow next week. Happy Easter.

Updated: 09:05 Monday, March 21, 2005