BY ALL accounts, I should have received a cactus in yesterday's postbag.

Not a red rose, which is the flower most likely to be sent to women on Valentine's Day, but a prickly cactus.

That, apparently, is the perfect choice for couples who have been together for a long time, who have long since lost the romance, but have survived many ups and downs. Those couples who no longer stare longingly into each other's eyes or hang on each other's every word over candlelit dinners, but who have been through the mire and realised that despite life's hiccups, they can't live without each other.

They're the ones, according to research carried out for Marks & Spencer, who should have sent each other a cactus. "It shows off your sense of humour but also demonstrates that you can cope with all that life brings," the research says.

The traditional red rose works only for couples whose love is still in the budding stage, it adds, with everything being rosy.

I must confess, a single red rose would not have worked for me. Not on Valentine's Day, not ever. It would have sent shivers down my spine to have received one red rose wrapped in heart-embossed cellophane. A bunch of red roses I could have handled. In fact it would be lovely. Not too big a bunch - an armful would be as bad as a single. Just half-a-dozen, nicely wrapped in good-quality paper would have made me feel wanted.

But one on its own would be straying into amorous Spanish waiter territory. Single rose men are, to my mind, usually Lionel Richie look-alikes with frilly shirts open to their navels and after-shave more pungent than chloroform.

You could argue that receiving any sort of flower, with the possible exception of a Venus fly trap or poison ivy, on Valentine's Day is a pleasure. In many ways it is: at least someone, somewhere cares, even if the sad specimen has 'garage forecourt drastically reduced bucket' stamped all over it.

As life's experiences go, receiving blooms of any kind brings a smile to your face. Although it would be more of a shock than a pleasant surprise for me. My husband buys me flowers once in a blue moon - he did so recently after I pointed out that if he picked them up occasionally with the shopping, as I do, it would be nice. And, I stressed, they would not be for me, but for our house, to make the dinner table look pretty.

Anyway, he came home one night with some yellow tulips. Very nice they were. He claimed they were for me, but I know for a fact that this wouldn't stand up in a court of law.

I don't know the significance of yellow tulips. They weren't mentioned in the M&S research, which also highlighted orange tiger lilies as a symbol of unstinting passion for couples who have been together for up to a year, and white roses which represent a purer kind of love for relationships that last longer than 12 months.

By my reckoning, yellow tulips are a sure sign of "constant bickering and frequent trips to Relate". And why didn't M&S come up with a flower for "still co-habiting but speaking to solicitors"?

Updated: 09:06 Tuesday, February 15, 2005