GRASMERE has William Wordsworth, York has WH Auden and now Selby has... Thurston Dylan.

The Diary is delighted to unveil Thurston to the world, a poetic talent of massive proportions.

We are thrilled to be the first to publish Thurston's great ode to his home town, Selby In Bloom. It is a work of astounding authenticity, redolent of the most lyrical of Keats' output allied to the grim modernity of Pam Ayres.

When we sent back an enthusiastic reply imploring the enigmatic Thurston for biographical details he reluctantly gave us a peek into his world.

"I have lived in Selby all of my life (21 years)," he emailed. "I'm currently unemployed and spend the majority of my time in the library, looking vaguely suicidal and staring into an abyss I'm too thick to comprehend.

"My mum and dad are both factory workers and think I'm gay. My favourite film is Teen Wolf 2."

He admits to writing under a range of pseudonyms but uses "my real name, Thurston Dylan (which definitely isn't an amalgamation of my two favourite musicians) for poetry".

He would like us to publish the following under the heading "The Greatest Poem Ever" but we prefer its title, which is...

Selby In Bloom

Selby...

An Aldi carrier-bag flapping in the breeze

The child with tuberculosis, lives only to vomit and sneeze.

A smashed pastry on the pavement,

The tramp's face is a bleak mask of detachment.

An empty burger-wrapper, stuck to the road with dog-sh**,

Such abominable squalor could break the strongest human-spirit.

John Grogan in his comfortable mansion, watching Men And Motors on Sky,

Outside Kans nightclub, people binge-drink and fight and die.

Selby in bloom!

Dance! Sing!

Selby in bloom!

Dance! Sing!

Yeah!

ADMITTEDLY this poem does not show Selby in the finest light. Any other poets from the town wishing to reply in verse can do so via the usual addresses.

YORK councillors were meeting today to decide whether to grant planning permission for Derwenthorpe, the model village earmarked for fields close to Osbaldwick.

It is billed as a sustainable development in harmony with its environment. But a Diary contributor (a human this time, not a newt) begs to differ.

This person brands as a fiasco "the decision to build Derwenthorpe on 53 acres of wildflower meadows, acknowledged as 'lowland Yorkshire's most threatened habitat'".

My knowledgeable emailer adds: "Instead of this Rowntree juggernaut, we should look to small, efficient schemes, like that proposed for Acomb by the Tees Valley Housing Association.

"These can provide 100 per cent social housing on small pockets of recycled land and half a dozen such schemes could deliver as much social housing as Derwenthorpe without loss of wildlife habitat or blighting the lives of existing communities."

TO be filed under "well I never". A label on a Post Office-brand envelope contains these enlightening instructions: "To seal: Stick label, moistened at top and bottom, across flap. To open: Slit carefully."

But how do you attach the stamp?

Updated: 10:47 Monday, January 31, 2005