I AM so excited. I can't wait for the end of May, because for me it means a 'fairytale romance'.

Oh my gosh. And here's me having given up all hope of having such a thing in my life again. Married for millions of years, with a husband who doesn't know the meaning of the word romance, who only buys me flowers when I'm in hospital, who has to be reminded to shave and clean his teeth and who wouldn'tnotice if I ran off with the postman (that's not true - without me he wouldn't know where to find the children's clothes).

But that's all in the past, or so I'm led to believe. In five months my Prince Charming will appear. Or so it says in my Love Horoscope for 2005.

"For some Aquarians," says the prediction in a national newspaper, by a man who is billed as 'Britain's favourite astrologer', "a fairy tale romance or ongoing affair could resurface at the end of May (the 30th to be precise) and with a vengeance".

Well, I haven't been having an affair, other than with a very nice man at our local 7-11 shop who takes me under his wing on every visit and makes sure I benefit from the best BOGOF (that's Buy One Get One Free to those who aren't in the know) offers.

It hasn't been overly passionate, being confined to the cramped aisles of the small supermarket, and in full view of other shoppers. But for me, any male under the age of 90 who singles me out for attention is a Godsend, and - in a Brief Encounter kind of way - an affair in the making.

But as nothing has happened other than giggles and winks, my future romance must be of the 'fairy tale' variety.

In readiness I've been to the farm shop for a sack of oats. It's possible that he - whoever he may be - will arrive on a white stallion. It happened for Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, so why not? The horse, I worried, may need a little sustenance, after all, the ring road along which he would have to gallop is usually clogged with traffic. If my knight-in-shining armour is reading this, bear in mind that rush hour is a nightmare.

He will then gather me up in his arms and offer to take me away. I will probably try to resist, but shouldn't. Says the horoscope "You could come up with the same old excuses and settle for what is close at home - but don't."

I wouldn't dream of it, not after reading about what's in store for me later in the year. "You can look forward to long stretches of happiness in the summer months, particularly August and you may feel so dizzy, it will be like falling in love for the first time."

Wow. I'm counting the days. And yet at the same time I'm fretting. I'm too fat, my hair is frizzy and I've got two children. I'm not quite cut out for balmy afternoons of summer loving with Mr Wonderful.

There is also the worry of, as the horoscope says, "Trying to appease partners", which "won't be easy". I was struck by the word partners. So I'm to have more than one on the go. I don't like the sound of that. While it would be nice from a 'jobs-to-do-around-the-house' perspective, one person leaving the toilet seat up is enough for any girl.

Anyway, these ructions in my life all come to a head at the 'back end' (as my mother calls the end of the year), when Aquarians "accept an unusual invitation" that will lead to a dramatic change in their lives.

The only invitations I ever receive are to slimming classes in the village hall.

Horoscopes - truth or bunkum? If, this time next year, I'm writing this column while a devoted man tops up my wine glass before scattering rose petals over my keyboard, you'll know the answer.

Updated: 09:04 Tuesday, January 18, 2005