IT'S a cold, cruel and weird world we are living in. So for one week only - it's a special offer, don't miss it - I shall be Mr Angry, with a few tears thrown in for good measure.
What I really don't understand is the sheer extremes of behaviour. On the one hand we are feeding and pampering our children and pets until they inflate and burst; on the other there is unimaginable, unspeakable cruelty being unleashed on both.
Two horrid examples came to court in our own beautiful county of Yorkshire last week.
A couple in Sheffield were found to have been starving their five children in a bedroom while they got drunk and watched television in luxury downstairs. The children were locked in a room strewn with their sodden clothes, the walls smeared with excrement. Twins aged 18 months weighed barely half of what they should, one was only hours from death.
Naturally, the couple were jailed and the children are now being nursed back to health. But these sub-human characters will be released after a couple of years and will be free to breed more victims.
Surely they have forfeited the right to ever again be parents? Castration for him, sterilisation for her should be automatic. Oh, sorry. Does that contravene their 'human' rights?
In the north of the county, a farmer and his daughter were taken to court for wicked cruelty to three horses, which were locked in makeshift stables for five years and never cleaned out, cared for or exercised.
Fair enough, food and water were thrown into the stables, but when the RSPCA found the terrified creatures, they were in five feet of manure and the hooves of one had grown to nearly two feet long. One was put down, another will never walk properly again.
Both cases sparked outrage and sympathy and split us into two camps, those who care about children and those who think more about animals.
When you think what some people are capable of, it's almost understandable that folk will give up on the human race and bequeath their fortunes to animal charities.
You cannot shut your eyes and pretend it's not happening, either. You only have to tune into a gentle re-run of Heartbeat, and the adverts grab you by the throat. During one programme last week, there were three ads that left you feeling as if someone had rammed a hand inside your stomach and torn out your heartstrings.
One showed pets being rescued from heartless owners and asking for just £2 a month to help fund the RSPCA. Another was asking for similar donations for the NSPCC, graphically illustrated by children suffering cruelty at the hands of their parents. Then there was the Oxfam appeal for starving people all over Africa.
Just as you are working out which one you should contribute to - and whether you can you afford all three - the loan adverts come up. Take out one loan with us and consolidate your debts. You can have a loan of up to £100,000 to get you out of your misery, never mind that we will re-possess your home if you don't keep up the lifelong payments.
Even Carol Vorderman is fronting one of these loan ads. Well that's the one for me, then. Carol is trustworthy and we all know what a mathematical wizard she is.
And while all this is happening, the commercial world is raking in the cash from our soft nature.
It seems that pampered pets are being offered acupuncture, hydrotherapy and herbal remedies by insurance companies desperate to capitalise on the lucrative pet market.
As interest in alternative therapies for humans grows, the increase is mirrored in complementary treatment being sought for cats and dogs.
The market for cat and dog insurance was valued at an estimated £233.6 million in 2003, and is forecast to increase to almost £355 million in 2008. It's enough to drive you to a psychiatrist - if you can find one who's not busy hypnotising Tibbles or listening to poor Tricky Woo's doggy problems.
Updated: 09:15 Tuesday, November 30, 2004
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