WHY John Kerry must win tonight's US election, reason 6,073: because George W Bush wants to stick some of his missiles on our turf.

According to Fleet Street, London and Washington are busily discussing siting American interceptor missiles in Britain as part of Bush's madcap Son Of Star Wars scheme. Lots of official denials, as per.

One obvious site for these weapons is at RAF Fylingdales, already signed over to US missile defence as a listening station.

So the Diary thought this would be a timely moment to dig out what that New Labour Einstein, Geoff Hoon, said on the subject when he came to York in January 2003.

We asked the Defence Secretary this: once Fylingdales becomes part of Son of Star Wars, isn't the next step to consider where in north west Europe, possibly Britain, we would site interceptor missiles?

"I don't think that will be the next stage," insisted our Geoffrey.

"The next stage really will be for the Americans to identify what are the best means of deploying both the radars and, as you say, the interceptors, whether that is on land, or at sea, in the air, to produce what they have called a layered system.

"What they want to do is to try and determine what is the best way of protecting the US and its allies from the threat of ballistic missiles.

"I think that's quite a long way yet before we get to any decisions, if we ever do, about the location of interceptors."

Doesn't time fly?

GEORGE W Bush is Tony Blair's very bestest friend, no doubt about that. But Hugh Bayley must be high up there on the Prime Minister's Christmas card list.

If Mr Blair has a more loyal ex-minister than our Hugh, we'd like to meet the little poppet.

So that is why we were so surprised that the PM doesn't even know how to spell the York MP's name.

Replying to Hugh's letter about the Stand Up For York - sorry, that should be Stand Up For Africa - Campaign, Tony wrote to "Hugh Bailey MP".

The letter, dating from July and leaked to the Diary this week, was obviously rushed off more hastily than even this column.

It contains this enlightening line: "Next year will be an important one development."

AT least Tony Blair knows where he works. He has three official addresses: 10 Downing Street; Chequers; and the President's Pocket.

But where is Alexis Cleveland, the director of the beleaguered Pension Service, based?

A York reader sent in a copy of a letter he had received from Ms Cleveland. "She is clearly confused as to where she operates from - or will she spend all her time travelling?"says our correspondent.

According to the letter she works in Dundee. But the accompanying leaflet says her office is in London.

Is this some bizarre Anglo-Scottish experiment?

WE are still awaiting enlightenment on the whereabouts of Chippy Lane. As we reported last week, former taxi driver Ken Anderson has been told such a street did exist in York and he would love to know where.

As ever, Dale Minks pops up with a diverting - if not necessarily credible - contribution.

"Any Victorian Hansom cab driver worth his salt (and vinegar!) knew that Chippy Lane in York was a nom-de-plume of either Friargate, Fishergate or Peas-holm Green," he quips.

If anyone can better that - or even supply an historically accurate answer - you know where we are.

Updated: 09:05 Tuesday, November 02, 2004