WORK is already under way on York's third Roman Festival, days after the second one came to an end.

Organiser Maximus Gluteus, aka Keith Mulhearn, said the event was a terrific success. Thousands of people enjoyed the displays and activities and he only received three complaints.

The first was from someone suggesting that the marvellous cultural life of the empire had been ignored. He was politely redirected to the Roman poetry readings at the Hospitium.

"Then this strange Polish guy collared me in Museum Gardens," said Keith. "He wanted to know why we hadn't covered the Roman postal system."

The Polish gentleman went on to berate the festival's neglect of Roman transport. This, Keith told the Diary, is set to be remedied. "We are looking at building a chariot next year, in a joint venture with Malton."

The third criticism turned up in the Evening Press letters column on Tuesday. Correspondent William Dixon Smith took a shot at those seeking to glorify York's own Emperor Constantine, who was, he insisted, a military despot.

In response Keith said: "Lighten up! Every main character from history has got a darker side, apart from Florence Nightingale."

Then the Diary left Keith in peace to begin his research into the Roman Royal Mail.

WHAT Italian wine had the Roman legionnaires from Chester been glugging before the festival?

First their senator, drilling children in ancient military tactics, tried to tell them to grab their "scutum", or Roman shield. Only it didn't come out right. We hope no child was injured.

Meanwhile another Chester lad was explaining all about the "sponge on a stick" used by Romans in communal bathing.

The health implications of a whole legion sharing the same sponge horrified one onlooker. Do not fret, he told her: the sponge was dipped in vinegar to disinfect it, "so the only things on it would be dead orgasms".

WHEN Ben Drake from Fulford read our interview with UKIP MEP Godfrey Bloom, two of his comments "leapt out".

1) "I live in the real world and that's how it is."

2) "£57,000? I can't live on that."

"Real world?" asks Ben. "All right for some..."

YESTERDAY, the Evening Press featured the Government's latest advice on "what to do when the terrorists attack".

Our thanks go to Simon Eldritch who then pointed the Diary to the official website, www.preparingforemergencies.gov.uk and to a clever parody, www.preparingforemergencies.co.uk

"I bet you can't tell which is the spoof when you see them," says Simon.

It is difficult to tell them apart when the official Government publication includes such seminal advice as: "If a bomb goes off in your building, look for the safest way out"; and "Move away from the immediate source of danger".

The alternative site has a lot of fun with this sort of thing. It begins: "General advice about what to do in an emergency.

"Run. Run like hell. Follow the advice of the emergency services, unless that advice is something other than 'Run'."

Under the heading, "Preparing for an emergency," comes this advice.

"Look, it's an emergency. How are you supposed to prepare for it? It's in the bloody dictionary: 'a serious situation or occurrence that happens unexpectedly and demands immediate action'. If you expect it, it's not an emergency, is it? Honestly."

And if you click on the link, "What's being done to protect the UK?", you are met with four words:

"Naff all. Next question?"

Updated: 09:21 Thursday, July 29, 2004