WHO says chain letters are a load of pants? Well one letter doing the rounds in York definitely is.

It purports to be a "women's knicker exchange". A list of women's names and addresses is enclosed, and it urges the recipient to send a pair of new undies (with shop tag attached) to the woman at the top.

Further instructions follow: send a copy of the letter to six of your friends, moving the sender's name to the top of the list, and putting yours in the number two slot.

It goes on: "If you can't do this within a week please tell me, as it isn't fair to the people who have already participated and are waiting for their very own undies to arrive.

"A manila envelope will mail the new knickers and you will receive 36 pairs... Be sure to include your size. Don't be shy. Add any kind of undies you would prefer next to your name and address.

"You should receive your new knickers in about two weeks."

The next line contains a rather unfortunate spelling error: "Please don't be responsible for soiling the fun and stopping the flow."

After receiving the letter, the wife of a friend bought a pair of pants and sent them on their way, before posting six copies of the letter to her friends.

That was a month ago. Has she received any knickers yet at her York home? No, not a sniff.

ATTEMPTS to pit Hugh Bayley against his Tory rival Clive Booth in a race around the Minster are not running smoothly. Yesterday we reported how Conservative parliamentary candidate Clive challenged Hugh to cut a dash for charity. But the Diary fears that the sitting MP plans to remain just that.

When we passed on the idea, York's most dynamic backbencher responded with ill-concealed irritability. "It's up to him," he said. "If he wants to challenge me, I suggest he gets in touch with me."

"I'll email him now," says Clive when the Diary brings him up to date. So all hope is not lost.

We take Steve Galloway's silence on the matter to be a positive sign, and assume he is preparing himself for the race by using the cheap fitness facilities at the Barbican Centre while he still can.

JOHN Bird emails my colleague Julian Cole with a question: what is the origin of the phrase "all meat and no gravy"?

Julian is uncertain. Can anyone else enlighten us?

ALL good things must end, and so it is with our reader-written serial Captain Calamity. In the final part, the stricken SS York sails on to its tragic, but strangely inevitable fate...

AMIDST the flickering lights and crashing furniture the band plays on as the Cap'n and his guests struggle up on deck with their money-laden luggage.

As the ship begins to break up, Cap'n Galloway screams: "Where are all the lifeboats?"

"Officer Templeman used some when he escaped weeks ago," replies First Officer Reid.

"Just enough for us then," shouts the Cap'n. "Officers and moneymen first," he says as he climbs aboard.

"Below decks, emerging from the absolute panic, some York residents make it up to the deck only to see the lifeboats disappearing into the distance.

"Jump!" shouts one resident. "I can't,' says another.

"I've never learned to swim - the council closed my local swimming pool down..."

Write to: The Diary, Chris Titley, The Evening Press, 76-86 Walmgate, York YO1 9YN

Email diary@ycp.co.uk

Telephone (01904) 653051 ext 337

Updated: 09:15 Wednesday, July 21, 2004