We had veggie burgers for tea last night. Not something we normally eat, but I had a few left over from a food test I had arranged at work.

They were nice enough, and a couple of them were fairly good substitutes for the real thing (coated an inch-thick in tomato sauce and stuck in a bun, the casual diner would never know the difference).

Seriously, though, I was pleasantly surprised by how meat-like some of them tasted.

Substitutes, alternatives, call them what you will, exist for almost everything in life.

Food, energy, health... and as more people opt out of the rat-race, whole lifestyles are labelled "alternative".

We have wind power, solar power, hydro-electric power, we have flowers and herbs to cure our ills and we have soya beans to put into burgers.

Call some of them cranky if you will, but alternatives are all around us, and - by and large - they are beneficial.

Yet some things in life are crying out for a decent substitute (one which does the job just as well) but seem destined never to have one.

The main contenders are:

Fossil fuels: It's a fact, cars can run on cooking oil.

This activity became a bit of a problem for the authorities a couple of years ago in South Wales, when hundreds of motorists began filling their diesel-powered vehicles with the stuff.

The police unit set up to stop them became known as the Frying Squad.

Then there's envirodiesel, fuel produced from old vegetable oil used to fry chips, LPG (which, though perfectly legal seems to be used only by about 0.00001 per cent of tiny white vans), and - believe it or not - gas from cow dung.

I'm sure with all the great leaps forward in technology, someone could give us an alternative to Four Star.

I'm sick of having to join a huge queue at the pumps every time there is some sort of incident in the Middle East - which at present is every other day.

Nappies: yes, I know all about those so-called "real" nappies - the ones that parents can stick in the washing machine. But you've still got all that scraping and... urgh... the memories are too painful.

Anyway, washing machines aren't exactly super-energy-efficient. I'm not defending disposables because I hate putting non-biodegradable products in landfills as much as the next person.

I am just waiting for someone to come up with a reasonable alternative.

Sweets: If scientists can produce burgers and sausages from soya, milk from soya, and coffee made from chicory, why can't someone bring out sweets made from the bark of the Dutch elm?

Grass: We have just acquired our first garden and, by gum, it's a tough job this mowing lark. But Astroturf looks about as realistic as a pot of plastic geraniums. It's about time a turf research expert got on the job.

And last, but not least:

Men: As newspaper articles, ardent feminists and any woman who has ever had a ferocious argument with their partner, have voiced, the male species is surplus to requirements. Or could be, given the genetic advancements now being worked on.

But, despite forever grumbling and griping about them, we do need an alternative (shelves aren't that easy to put up).

An inflatable fella would be useless on a windy day and a robotic bloke might rust. I'm sure someone could come up with something that can cook, clean, do a bit of DIY and keep us company, but not hog the remote.

Any ideas?

Updated: 08:51 Tuesday, June 29, 2004