Blinded by love

'But love is blind and lovers cannot see/ the pretty follies that themselves commit'

JESSICA was pretty sure of her facts when she confessed all to her lover in The Merchant Of Venice - and it seems she may have been right. According to research carried out at University College London, scientists using magnetic resonance imaging have discovered that feelings of love may lead to a deadening of areas of the brain associated with critical judgement.

This may help to explain why high-profile women such as Victoria Beckham and Leslie Ash choose to turn a blind eye to their partners' shortcomings. While Victoria supports her husband's denial of a torrid love affair with Rebecca Loos, Leslie denies marital discord with footballer husband Lee Chapman, despite ending up in hospital with a cracked rib.

York author Kate Lock was blind to the fact that her lover was a dangerous man. He was a murderer, but she stayed with him for four years.

It has taken until now, 20 years later, for her to find the strength to confront what happened to her in her book Carrion Kisses (which will be re-released in paperback in February 2005 under the new title Dangerous Love).

"I don't know if I was actually blinded by love," she says.

"That first rush of love blinds us all initially because in the early stages, you don't know your partner well enough to judge whether aspects of their behaviour are typical. You are also on a chemical high from having lots of sex, which hinders your critical faculties. Denial plays a part, but often very manipulative men choose very vulnerable women and pray on it."

Kate admits she may have ignored the warning signs. She was 20 when she met Tim at Exeter University; he was 50. She learned he had served eight years of a life sentence but never doubted his innocence.

"Tim told me that it had been a mistake, he was innocent, that his former wife had fallen badly, and that he was terribly upset about her death," she says. "Like many psychopaths, Tim was exceptionally socially gifted. Everybody loved him and I really looked up to him."

As the relationship progressed there were occasions when he frightened her, but it was rare and he was always sorry. Two months into their relationship, the couple went on holiday and after a bout of drinking, Tim began to scream at Kate in Spanish, before lying on the bed hallucinating.

"Tim was teetotal, apart from that one occasion, and he didn't drink afterwards," she says. "Everybody thought so highly of Tim, that if ever I doubted him I felt foolish and guilty."

Since her book has been published, many women have shared their experiences with Kate, often admitting to putting up with years of abuse.

"It worries me that so many women find themselves in dangerous or abusive relationships and are unable to do anything about it," she says.

"Since my book was published so many women have admitted years of abuse to me. Often, even after they have admitted the abuse to themselves they cannot admit it to other people for fear of criticism. It takes these women a long time to build up enough emotional strength to leave."

One of her closest friends has admitted she is in an emotionally damaging relationship, but remains with her man.

"It is frustrating to hear her talk, you just want her to leave him and it seems so simple but I am the first to realise how difficult this can be," says Kate. "She probably feels that she could never find anyone better. There is also an element of guilt. I remember thinking that Tim would fall apart if I left him."

She was not wrong. Kate often tried to leave towards the end of their four years together, but she worried about his safety and soon returned. When she succeeded in leaving, a frightening encounter with Tim made her realise just what a dangerous man he was.

"He was desperate after I left him and picked up this young girl, who must have been terrified. He was nearly 60 by then," she says. "I heard about it afterwards and went to confront him. He went absolutely crazy, thinking I was going to inform the police and get him put back inside. He tried to cover the doorway so I couldn't escape and said, 'Don't make me commit a terrible sin, Kate'."

By remaining calm she was able to get away. Not long after, she learned Tim had committed suicide.

Although most women won't ever experience such a dangerous relationship, few can claim they have never been blinded by love. Like Victoria Beckham and Leslie Ash they resolutely stand by their man. Why?

"People are very judgmental towards women who stay in these relationships," says Kate. "They are often harsh in their criticism of them, which means they're unlikely to confess the truth. It's almost like another layer of abuse on top of what they're already suffering.

"They can't admit their problems to other people because they think it reflects badly on their choices and their lifestyle. That's not the only reason, but it may be why celebrities, who are exposed to such public scrutiny, put up a front of 'everything's all right' when it plainly isn't."

Case studies:

Kerry, 21, a receptionist at a car dealership

When I first met Darren, I couldn't believe how gorgeous he was. He told me that if he went out with anyone, it would be me, but then he paraded another girl in front of me. He kept me hanging for three weeks before he finally asked me out. He was going on holiday, so obviously he kept me waiting so he could pull lots of girls in Ibiza.

When we were first together, he was quite romantic. He would buy me flowers or take me out. But even then he put his friends first.

We got engaged two years ago and things have got progressively worse. I am trying to save for the wedding, or to go on holiday, but Darren spends all his money on going out drinking. He can afford lads' weekends to Amsterdam, but we hardly ever go anywhere. Sometimes we make arrangements to go out together and I will spend ages getting ready, then he'll phone at the last minute to say he is staying out with his friends.

Most of my friends are Darren's friends' girlfriends, so we have similar man problems. But we never tell each other to dump them. I tell my worries to my best friend who's away at university. She can't believe I stay.

I realise Darren treats me badly but I love him and don't think I will find anyone better. Most men are difficult to tie down, even my dad left, so I don't want to push Darren away.

Having said that, my dad has given me some wedding money which I keep in a secret savings account, partly so Darren doesn't blow it and partly in case I ever need to leave him.

Emily, 21, a student

I met Dave in my geography class at school. He was popular and funny and I loved him for two years before he asked me out, so was ecstatic when he did.

In that first week he confessed he had kissed another girl but it was at a party, he was drunk and he was sorry. We hadn't been together long which made it better, in a way.

I was madly in love with Dave when we were together. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and all I wanted to do was be with him. He treated me well when I was with him. We spent idyllic days together in the park, but his cheating tendencies became a problem.

He strayed five times when we were together, maybe even more. Each time it happened he'd confess and I'd sob for hours and break up with him. He'd leave it for a week, so I'd cool off, then come round and tell me how stupid he'd been, how he knew he'd blown it, how he didn't know what he'd do without me. I always ended up forgiving him and, more foolishly, believed that he would not do it again.

I don't know if I was blind to Dave's faults, I certainly deluded myself a lot, but when it was good, it was fantastic. I never wanted to imagine being without him.

It took something really terrible for me to eventually see him for what he was; he began sleeping with my best friend behind my back. That was something I couldn't forgive. Nowadays I try not to lose my head when I fall for someone. Keeping your dignity is the important thing.

Updated: 11:00 Tuesday, June 22, 2004