"Do you exfoliate first? You must do that, otherwise you won't get the full effect."

My friends are discussing fake tans and how to apply them to look as realistic as possible. One had applied hers the night before and, I have to admit, it didn't look like it had come out of a bottle.

Though nowadays that's rarely where fake tans come from anyway. There are sachets, tubes, towels, tablets, tanning tables, tanning booths and - most alarming - high-pressure spray guns.

There's a shop I pass on my way into town where a video film plays in the window showing what customers can expect if they step inside. A woman wearing a bikini stands in front of a robotic-looking machine that travels up and down spraying her body. The process resembles a scene from a car body workshop.

Both my children and I are captivated by this video and have been known to stand in the pouring rain watching "the lady get sprayed". The process, during which you have to turn this way and that, splay your fingers and bend your hands, looks horrific.

It is fascinating, the lengths people will go to get a tan. We kick up a stink about GM foods and E-numbers, yet we are happy to stand and be coated head to toe with chemicals simply so we look good in the latest bikini.

As for those weird-looking vertical tanning booths. They've got one in my local hairdressing salon and it's seriously scary - like some sort of time travel capsule from Star Trek. The thought of being in there with the door closed is, to be honest, terrifying. I mean, if it got stuck, you might roast like a Christmas turkey.

I could probably cope with a conventional sunbed, but even they make me feel uneasy. I don't like the idea of getting a tan with the aid of an electrical appliance. I'd far rather a spot of good old sunshine complete with vitamin D.

I know you have to be careful nowadays, what with the hole in the ozone and all that, but it's easy enough to slap on a sun hat and some factor 25. That's too much for some people, and one Miami hotel provides poolside 'tanning butlers' - attractive male and female models who not only recommend a range of sun protection products to sunbathing guests, but apply them too.

Still, at least the end product is the real McCoy. When I was young you knew if someone had been abroad on holiday - now they're as likely to have a bronzed body after visiting the hairdressers in the high street.

In many ways it is a shame that fake tans are nowadays so convincing. Gone are the times when people would snigger at the sight of a woman in a mini skirt whose legs looked like they had been rubbed down with used tea bags.

I'm afraid, and really rather glad, that I will never have to choose between a high power jet and a hunky male model to get a tan. Being red-haired, I have to exercise extreme caution - wide-brimmed hats, parasol, staying indoors between 11am and 3pm.

I'd really add to my street credibility asking my 'tanning butler' for a smear of Factor 89 on my hands - the only part of my body to see daylight during the summer months.

Updated: 10:54 Tuesday, June 22, 2004