PLEASE, please let his wish come true. Please, please let Harry Potter die.

The star who plays the hyped-up young wizard has wondered if Potter may kick the bucket (or would that be cauldron?) in the last book. If he needs anyone to second that, my hand is already up.

As far as I am concerned, it would have been preferable to have him meet his doom in the first book, Harry Potter And The Lost Pillars Of Archimedes or whatever it was called (they're all the same to me). But I suppose I must have faith in the saying: "Good things come to those who wait."

Am I the only person on the planet who fails to register what all the fuss is about?

It's not that I haven't tried to understand the feverish hold that this series of books has on the nation. I've made a couple of attempts to read Harry Potter, really I have. But I found it impossible to get to grips with, laborious and dull. In fact, I found the original Greek version of Homer's The Iliad easier.

Look in any bookshop, there are loads of children's books about wizards, witches and witchcraft. I'm sure many of them are far easier to read - for one thing they're not half as thick - and probably more interesting.

The Harry Potter films too, which my daughters have on video, are - dare I say it - boring. Not a patch on Ghostbusters, which employs similar special-effects (and, I might add, was released several years before Harry P). As an adult watching a children's film, I found Lassie Come Home more enjoyable.

I only have to hear the words Voldemort, Hagrid, Tumbleweed or whatever and I switch off completely. President George Bush aside, what is the fascination with bearded men wearing robes? I am sick of seeing little boys at fancy dress parties looking like mad monks, dressed head-to-toe in sackcloth with cushions up their jumpers and crayoned-on facial hair.

There's another one of those blokes (the ones who have yet to discover razors and combs) in Lord Of The Rings, another set of books/films to which I am totally allergic. Even watching clips leaves my brain numb.

What is it all about? Some odd-looking creatures that trek across spectacular landscapes (no denying that the special effects are out-of-this world) after a bit of jewellery. The books were around when I was little but I had no inclination whatsoever to read them. As for the films - a female colleague has seen all three, but still had trouble explaining the storyline, while a male colleague tells me "it's a man thing".

I'm not sure it is. Thankfully, both my dad and husband hate it with a passion (I'd rather my husband amassed a load of Top Cop Chases Of The World videos than The Dreaded Trilogy) while my brother's girlfriend loves it - and Harry Potter too; that girl needs therapy.

At least with Lord Of The Rings there were only three books. With any luck, the next Harry Potter may be JK Rowling's (isn't that odd, Tolkein used JR, they're one and the same) last and we can all go back to watching - and thoroughly enjoying without special effects - The Railway Children.

Updated: 09:22 Tuesday, June 08, 2004