THE year is 2013; the scene is Speaker's Corner, Hyde Park. A tall, charismatic, bearded man is attracting an interested crowd.

Unfortunately for him, he has also drawn the notice of a Blunkie, one of the Government's crack squad of civilian identity card enforcers.

Blunkie: Excuse me sir, but can I have a word with you? I haven't seen you around these parts before, and we need to have a little chat.

Jesus Christ (for it is He): Peace, brother. Thou may'st not know me, for verily it is said, even a prophet is a stranger in his own land. But be calm of spirit, for I assure thee, this is my second time hereabouts.

Blunkie: I'll thank you not to be quite so familiar, Sir; I'm sure mother would have told me if I had a brother. As it is, I'm sure I do not, so may I see your identity card?

Jesus: Identity card? That's tricky, I have to say. I wasn't briefed to bring one. Behold, I am the Son of Man...

Blunkie: That's as may be, Sir, but which man, and what's more, can you prove it? We've had these cards for long enough now for everyone to know they exist. Innocent people have no objection to carrying them, it's a well-known fact, so if you haven't got one, it stands to reason that my suspicions are going to be aroused.

Jesus: Oh dear. It's a simple oversight, honestly, and there will be wailing and gnashing of teeth if this doesn't get sorted out soon. Look, will this poster satisfy you? It shows exactly why I'm here. See? It says: "The End Is Nigh". Now, I'm just here to gather up my elect and lift them bodily into the sky, so if you could manage to look the other way, I really won't take up too much of your time.

Blunkie: That doesn't reassure me at all, Sir. In fact, if anything, at times like this, with all the terrorism in the world, that poster makes me more suspicious. If I combine it with the fact that you genuinely appear to have no ID card, and with your generally dodgy appearance (flowing robes, long hair, crown of thorns, sandals), then I come to the conclusion that I've got a job to do. There's no nice way of saying this: it's looking increasingly like Guantanamo Bay for you.

Jesus (aside): Good grief! I thought that place had closed years ago. Clearly I have not a moment to lose. (To Blunkie): Right, Sirrah, I've dealt with your sort before. I don't have a card, it's true, but I have other ways to convince you who I am. Think about your Bible, then take a look at these hands. Go on, put your fingers right in there if you like.

Blunkie: (recoiling): No thank you! You want to put some Savlon on them, but I don't know what they have to do with your non-existent ID card. No, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to come with me to the processing point.

Jesus (sighs deeply): Father, forgive him, for he knows not what he does. And while we're talking, may I beam everyone up now? I've seen enough, really, and it's true what they all say. You should never go back.

Updated: 10:01 Wednesday, April 28, 2004