IN times of trial we turn to our nearest and dearest. And it was in this spirit that the Diary contacted the chairman of Scarborough FC Supporters Club Stuart Canvin.

Scarborough fans know what it is like to be relegated to the Conference, so Stuart could surely offer words of comfort as York City plummeted to join them.

Couldn't he?

"When we got back to Scarborough on Saturday night, all the lights seemed to be out in York, and it was party time in Scarborough," he said.

"Cynical Boro fans are all chuffed that York have come down."

But such glee is not the whole story. "As a supporter of Scarborough, brilliant," Stuart confessed.

"On a footballing front I feel very, very sorry for York City. I feel very sorry for any club that gets relegated having experienced it.

"What's happened over the last year to 18 months, it's very sad. When you see the fans taking over the club like that you keep your fingers crossed they're going to make a go of it."

Stuart, whose in-laws live behind Bootham Crescent, cannot see York being promoted out of the Conference next season.

"It's a very competitive league. It really ought to be looked upon as the Fourth Division.

"Some clubs are lucky and have a sugar daddy. York haven't got one, we haven't got one." Any offers?

Tomorrow - Alex Ferguson: my pain at Leeds' demise.

ON the back window of a First bus: "Become a professional bus driver".

On the next window: "FirstWeek: £10.50".

The Diary only hopes the wages improve after that.

ACCORDING to Alton Towers, 60 per cent of northern visitors to the theme park are skiving off work (compared to a third of southerners).

Bosses are clearly concerned. Marketing manager Mike Lorimer said: "We were surprised by the number of skivers we appear to have on park, and wouldn't encourage it, the fact is it's happening so what the hell?"

OUR April Fool's Day story about plans to dismantle York's Walmgate Bar and rebuild it at Monks Cross continues to provoke ripples of outrage.

Chief reporter Mike Laycock, who penned the article, has received an irate email from Cyril Benjamin Mallinson, who said he had been sent a cutting of the story.

"Surely this is an April Fool joke by a Ms Florisa Dolpay?" writes Mr Mallinson. "You must be joking Ms. Nobody in their right mind would dream of moving our ancient battlements.

"Sadly they were desecrated at the beginning of the last century for access to the old railway station and for trams at the side of Walmgate Bar. NO NO NO NO."

The story said the bar was set to be moved because lorries kept getting stuck underneath it.

But Mr Mallinson had little time for the foolish drivers of such vehicles.

"What is York City Council traffic and town planning thinking about if drivers of motor vehicles cannot read and do not know the height of their vehicle or load - you cannot blame the structure."

He came up with his own solution to the problem.

"To me the obvious thing to do is make Walmgate one way, west to east, with all streets on the south side going one way to Piccadilly, the few lanes and alleys on the north side going in the opposite direction joining up with Foss Islands Road.

"So Ms, do not play around with the only complete fortification that is left."

He ends with the slightly odd and inexplicable riposte: "Sell the Minster to the Arabs."

IT seems that Tesco has managed to sneak an entire superstore past York planners.

While trying to promote their Computers For Schools campaign they've told the Evening Press the nearest Tesco's store to Wigginton is in a place called Chifton Move.

Write to: The Diary, Chris Titley, The Evening Press, 76-86 Walmgate, York YO1 9YN

Email diary@ycp.co.uk

Telephone (01904) 653051 ext 337

Updated: 09:58 Tuesday, April 27, 2004