Drinking isn't what it used to be

"Get your round in and I'll tell you," I quipped through the rosy glow.

But she was insistent and worried: "No, seriously, I do." Then she blurted out the whole sordid story.

At some stage during every afternoon in the office, she started to think about getting home and having a cool glass of wine. She would try to push the thought away but that shimmering glass would appear tantalisingly in her mind.

I asked if she would get home and down the whole bottle. Oh no, she said, just one glass.

Did she think about having a drink as soon as she opened her eyes every morning?

No! Did she hide bottles in the garden or the lavatory cistern and take a sneaky pull when she thought no one was looking? And did she drink the house dry then drive to the off-licence for more?

"What do you think I am?" she shrieked.

Dr Hearld then pronounced her non-alcoholic and put her mind at ease with another drink.

It is a serious business this drinking lark. All these reports about binge drinking by young women is even more worrying.

There was a time when women were reluctantly dragged to the pub after hours of getting tarted up, would sit there all night nursing a half of lager and blackcurrant while commenting on the make-up and dress sense of every other woman in the room, and then drive her inebriated husband home. That was when the world was in some semblance of proper order.

Nowadays the girls have carried their hard-won equality right through the threshold. They not only want to be equal, they want to be better - at business, at DIY, at skydiving, at drinking and at pulling the opposite sex.

They've successfully stormed the ramparts of the last male bastions - the working men's clubs - so the only way a man can get a quiet drink now is to stay at home with a six-pack while she is out on the town with the lasses.

The whole drinking culture has altered dramatically in just 20 years.

Take lunchtime drinking. In most industries it is just not the done thing any more. Woe betide the working man or woman who has the gall to turn up for an afternoon meeting with alcohol on the breath, even if it was from one quick half, even if it does help you through the pain barrier of an agonising, endless sales seminar.

Mints are a dead giveaway. They don't quite hide the aroma and they could go flying across the room as you slur your way through your stunning presentation.

The railway industry is probably the best example of an industry which came down hard on booze. After a few train crashes involving drivers who had taken a drink, British Rail introduced a draconian ban on every member of staff. Not only could workers not have even a shandy during the working day, they had to have every gram of alcohol out of their system by the following morning. A squad of drink and drugs 'police' could randomly test an employee at any time - looking for levels far less than are demanded of car drivers. That applied to everyone, even the most minor clerical worker who, at worst, could only be drunk in charge of a Biro.

At the end of a working day if you popped to the pub, had one sip of a beer and then realised you had forgotten your briefcase, you could be sacked for returning to the office to get it.

But out of work these days, the towels are off and the optics flow. There are such intense social pressures to drink. Modern life orders you to get it down your neck.

Sippers of soft drinks are ostracised unless they wave their car keys around the room; low-alcohol drinks have been virtually laughed out of production, and alcopops have taken their place for those who want the kick but don't like the taste.

Who wants to be sober when everyone else is having a riotous time and nothing makes sense unless you get up there with them? And in the morning you'll soon be able to brush that Tetley fur off your palate, and a couple of paracetamol will take away the worst of the headache - until it's time for another drink.

Updated: 10:02 Tuesday, March 23, 2004