Wherever I lay my hat...

ACCORDING to an Evening Press survey last week, the cheapest house available in York costs £105,000. Yup, 105 grand. The word you're looking for is "barmy".

Who are all these people with so much money? Every time I take a walk around York, I look in vain for the folk tripping down Stonegate in gold shoes throwing tenners into the breeze.

Perhaps we will never know their identities. But be sure of one thing. Unless you climbed on to the property ladder before it was blown away by those crack troops from Market Forces - or your surname is Getty - you have no chance of buying a house in York. And the way rents are going up, that option might soon be out of the question too.

So other than moving to Doncaster, what are our choices? Well, with a little bit of imagination, and a lot of fortitude, almost anything can be a home...

Car

The pros:

Not many. A64 commuters get stuck in jams so regularly they feel like they live in a car anyway. Air cushions make good pillows. Plenty of storage space, once you clear the doorwells of Werthers Original wrappers. Can boast wonderful views (dependant on where you park).

The cons:

Cold, cramped, no toilet facilities. Loads of mirrors to remind you how rough you look. You will be stalked by traffic wardens.

The cost:

An H-reg Vauxhall Cavalier ("vgc") was on sale for less than £300 in last night's Motoring Press. However, if you want to drive anywhere you must pay another small fortune in tax, insurance, petrol etc. Even if you stay still, you will end up forking out for City of York Council's freshly hiked street-parking permits.

The experience:

This week we revealed how Peter Frost has made his Ford Escort in a Helmsley car park his home for the past 18 months. He didn't make the experience sound like fun.

Mobile home

The pros:

Modern models have running water and everything. You can come and go as you please.

The cons:

People will assume you are dull. You may find that your only friends are other mobile home owners. Next thing you know, you are flocking together with 30,000 other enthusiasts to events such as the Northern Motor Caravan Show on Knavesmire, annoying locals by blocking up Tadcaster Road.

The cost:

Two grand for a second-hand Mercedes M-Liner with 72K on the clock. One hundred grand-plus for a new trailer with digital satellite pop-up egg whisk and other fancy accessories.

The experience:

"Motorhomes are great support for just about anything you want to do where there is travelling around involved." The Motorhome Information Network.

"Do the motorhome owners bring any revenue to the city except to petrol retailers?" Letter writer to the Evening Press

Boat

The pros:

What could be nicer than living on the river? Watch the wildlife frolic from your front room. Houseboats are cosy and a talking point.

The cons:

Room is limited. You have to empty your own toilet. Watch the vandals throw stuff into the river from your front room. One DIY disaster and you're sunk.

The cost:

Narrowboats cost tens of thousands, houseboats hundreds of thousands. Mooring charges can be expensive, but at least you escape the ResPark charges.

The experience:

Can be wonderful. York postman John Hunt had views from his houseboat equivalent to those enjoyed by the millionaires in the riverside apartment opposite. But then it turned sour as he was taken to court and evicted from his moorings. He is now living in bricks and mortar again.

Nuclear bunker

The pros:

Well insulated, soundproof. Plenty of storage for 50-year supply of baked beans. Perfect for would-be Bond villains. For others, offers worry-free living in the age of international terrorism.

The cons:

If you love natural sunlight, this is not for you.

The cost:

One was featured in last Thursday's Property Press. The Fulford bunker was priced at £249,950, and came with a two-bedroom bungalow attached. English Heritage, which owns a nuclear bunker in Acomb, began £250,000 of restoration work last year.

The experience:

"The York installation is an outstanding example, complete with its original plotting maps, fittings and equipment." English Heritage

Shed

The pros:

The garden shed is already a home from home for many men. Philip Pullman wrote his bestselling His Dark Materials trilogy from his shed.

The cons:

Damp, cold and smelly.

The cost:

Larchlap Overlap Apex Shed 5x4 £90 -from B&Q

The experience:

Former Hells Angel John Warlock had York talking when the Theatre Royal evicted him from his shed, 6 Royal House, in the 1990s.

"His shed is certainly not an eyesore but instead quite the opposite. He has worked so hard to make it so comfortable" John Warlock supporter

Yurt

The pros:

Plenty of space. Up to 75 people can cram into a typical Mongolian lattice-framed big top. And the ambience of these ancient structures is supposedly good for the spirit (as long as the other 74 people don't hang around too long).

The cons:

Very little in the way of mod cons. You'll be searching a long time for a socket to plug in your Internet-ready PC.

The cost:

A few grand gets you your own yurt, if you are prepared to weave your birch and ash poles together yourself.

The experience:

"They are a beautiful shape, with no corners for junk to get piled up in but plenty of room for storage, they capture the imagination and they are something you can build with your own two hands." York yurt user

Or you could always pitch up a tent in the middle of York.

Updated: 08:42 Saturday, March 06, 2004