I NOTICE that Hugh Bayley, left, has alerted the Government that they need to tackle a long-neglected burning issue.

Rebuilding Iraq must wait!

Dealing with violent crime and the drug trade must be put on hold. This country needs more lollipop ladies!

Hugh, you may have a valid point. Oh yes, this country needs more lollipop ladies and, while we're at it, some of those white lines on slip roads need repainting.

This seems to be an argument with its feet planted in nostalgic images.

I think Hugh went to bed one night dreaming - no - reminiscing of his childhood. Picture him standing at the side of the road with his trousers pulled up slightly too high, looking slightly gawky because everyone does at that age. And across the road lies the then love of his life, with her little sparkly shoes and hair in one long braid that glints in the light like a beautiful eel. But how can he reach her?

She was over the road, a steaming metal river flowing inexorably, and there seemed no way through until, like some giant Moses, the yellow-coated hero scooped fragile little Hugh up, parted the river of traffic and took him to the girl he so loved.

And that's why we're going to have more lollipop people.

But, surely, that's living in the past? We need to update, and stay hip with the kids or they will never respect us no matter how much bling we wear.

I'm not sure what's needed from a person exactly, but I've got a sure way of finding out. And to keep Hugh happy I'd be more than pleased for it to happen in York and we shall call itLollipop Idol.

YES! a 20-week search for the next great road crossing role model.

The best part of it is that the failing candidates don't just slope back off to anonymity - the irritating twerps get run over!

WHERE are all these RACY shops? You know, the ones ganging up on York's shoplifters.

There seems to be a lot of talk about them in the paper, but the only one I can find is the Formula One shop. Oh, and Xes. Maybe all of the High Street outlets want to be RACY and changing the name is the first stage on the road to being full blown sexy.

LET'S turn our attention to steam. Apparently there is a festival this year to celebrate the first 200 years of steam (and long may it continue - ironing would be a tougher job without it).

This was news to me, as an amateur scientist and steam fanatic I was sure it had been around for longer.

I must change my views, I suppose, and concede that before 1804 water just evaporated with no visible effects.

I'm now running out of space and time (golly, sounds like a philosophical crisis!) and on Monday will hand this column back to Chris Titley and his troupe of singing mice.

He jetted off to help fight in the Spanish Civil War but I got a quite embarrassed phone call from Madrid airport when he realised how late he was. Anyway, he was washing pots for a week for his fare home.

I'm sure he will tell you all about it. So thanks, and by the way, do support live stand-up comedy, but not if it's being put on by a massive evil corporate soulless company that decides to set up something inferior at a higher price while trying to confuse people with colourful advertising.

Come to The Other Side at City Screen York instead.

It's fun.

Write to: The Diary, Chris Titley, The Evening Press, 76-86 Walmgate, York YO1 9YN

Email diary@ycp.co.uk

Telephone (01904) 653051 ext 337

Updated: 10:10 Friday, February 20, 2004