Dear Bank Manager, I am writing to query my account. I think there must be some mistake.

I have banked with you for more than 20 years; enough to have shown my loyalty yet I still do not seem to have built up any sort of nest-egg.

May I draw your attention to the latest edition of Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. It's not a journal to which I generally refer, but I have just learned from its pages that pessimists should be rolling in dosh.

According to those expert scientists, people who think their glass is half-empty are much better with money than those who are convinced, like Mr Micawber, that something will turn up.

I'm not saying I'm a negative individual, but I wouldn't expect even my best friend to describe me as having a naturally sunny nature.

With that attitude, I surely should have done better in life than I have so far. Can you please tell me how you account for my persistent lack of financial success?

I wouldn't be surprised to find you have been spending all your time siphoning off my millions with bogus bank charges.

It's either that, or you have been frittering all my cash away on junk mail inviting me to fill out yet another guaranteed loan application at an exclusive 78 per cent interest rate.

I expect you to write back to me with your explanation by return of post.

At present, that means your letter should be back with me at least within the same calendar year.

Yours despondently,

Francine Clee

Dear Ms Clee,

I have taken time to study the scientific journal which you so kindly recommended I read.

It does, indeed, suggest that optimists are less good with money than pessimists, and I do believe they may have a point.

Where you are mistaken, however, is in the belief that you are a pessimist.

The mere fact that you have bothered to write to me, and expect to get some kind of result, quite clearly suggests the reverse.

I saw you in the queue for the National Lottery booth this week; another demonstration of the triumph of hope over experience, I would submit.

The lack of a sunny disposition is not the same thing as a pessimistic outlook.

It is possible to be miserable as sin without losing hope in your own future good fortune.

Allow me to gently suggest that the reason for your lack of savings has less to do with being a negative so-and-so, and more to do with a fondness for so-called retail therapy?

A cursory glance at your latest statement suggests you spend less time complaining about your lack of money than you do in, say, French Connection. And I have heard your other half is planning to change your name to Imelda if he sees just one more shoebox in the bottom of your wardrobe.

I note that you are familiar with the Dickensian character, Mr Micawber. Allow me to point out another of his famous sayings; one that I believe may have a bearing on your circumstances.

I think it had something to do with the following equation: annual income twenty pounds, expenditure nineteen, nineteen and six, result happiness; annual income twenty pounds, expenditure twenty pounds, ought and six, result... misery.

I rest my case.

The Manager

Updated: 11:09 Wednesday, February 18, 2004