DAME Berwick Kaler will go back to the very start for his 26th Theatre Royal pantomime.

Fresh from Mother Goose's Silver Jubilee drawing a record attendance of 51,261, Berwick has announced that Cinderella will be his next pantomime, just as it was when he first pulled on his wig in 1977.

What distinguishes Cinderella from other pantomimes is the lack of a dame's role. Instead - if precedent ever comes into play with this panto radical - Berwick will play one half of the Ugly Sister partnership.

In 1977, in a wig far more decorative than his stern Victorian hairpiece of today, he played Philomena to Kevin Williams's Cristobel. In 1983, he was Nausea to Paul Raffield's Trivia, and in 1995, Berwick Bazooka bonded with Sean McKenzie's Verruca.

So who will be his partner in pantomime from December 8 to January 29? More to the point, who do you think should be Berwick's fellow ugly sister?

All suggestions, with accompanying reasons, will be gratefully received by the Diary. Prizes for the best.

STRANGE goings on at York Magistrates' Court when a routine bail application got a defendant in trouble... piles of trouble, in fact.

When asked to be seated by JPs after confirming his name, address and date of birth, the York accused gave a pained look, but it wasn't just a burglary allegation making him uncomfortable.

He told the court he had haemorrhoids. And the historic wooden benches at the city courthouse just did not appeal.

The defendant waddled slowly out of the dock after the case was adjourned - so the court could get to the bottom of his case.

INTERESTING to note a headline on the front page of the North Yorkshire Police web site: "The phone honeymoon is over". Judging by today's Readers' Letters, we think it probably is.

DAVID Evans' letter arrived just too late for inclusion on the page opposite, but it was too good to miss so we have hijacked it for the Diary.

"I have just had a blinding flash of imaginative inspiration, comparable only to that of our Chief Constable Della Cannings to introduce premium telephone charges to call the police," writes Mr Evans, of Mayfield Grove, York.

"Why not change the 999 number - then make it ex-directory.

"Think of the savings."

WE commiserate with Anna Auster, of Newton-on-Derwent. In a letter to the Radio Times she writes: "I wasn't amused by your comedy issue. I slipped on it, banana-skin style, and ended up in hospital."

Forget these glossy magazines, Anna. You're safer with the Evening Press's Eight Days A Week television guide, printed on sure-grip newsprint.

THE London media's northern stereotyping continues to flourish unchecked. Yorkie-turned-Brummie Annie Wright sends through a cutting from The Mail On Sunday regarding York hosting Royal Ascot 2005.

"What," the anonymous correspondent asks, "of Ascot's elite, those who have shelled out a small fortune for their own private boxes? Last year, Ascot said it would put up 'smart facilities' for them at York, but this did not mollify the boxholders."

Now, the report goes on, Ascot is offering compensation, "of... er £40 a box. That sort of caution with money suggests Ascot is already embracing the culture of its new home."

Hmm. How we chortled as we stuffed another deep-fried whippet down t'coal scuttle.

Write to: The Diary, Chris Titley, The Evening Press, 76-86 Walmgate, York YO1 9YN

Email diary@ycp.co.uk

Telephone (01904) 653051 ext 337

Updated: 10:53 Friday, February 13, 2004