ONE of the many wonderful things about giant supermarket groups is the way they get to know each of their customers personally (unlike the old fashioned high street grocers they ruthlessly forced out of business).

It works like this.

We happily give Tesco and Sainsbury our life story, which they then flog to every credit card company in Christendom. In return we receive money-off vouchers for unpalatable cook-in sauces fast approaching their sell-by dates.

It's a great deal.

But sometimes it backfires. Alan Rowntree, of Walmer Carr, Wigginton, York, was surprised to receive a special invitation from Tesco.

"Dear Mr Rowntree," the letter began. "Enjoy FREE membership to the UK's No 1 Baby & Toddler Club!"

"Tesco already have my personal details in regard to gender, age etc, so how stupid can you get?" Mr Rowntree writes. "Just to confirm: I am male and aged 64. I may be portly but not pregnant.

"However, I may just take advantage of extra points from the 'Toddler Club' and buy a pregnancy test kit."

Please let us know the results with due haste, Mr Rowntree.

A SAD tale in Jemimas News, the newsletter of a York pre-school nursery. "The one disappointment for the children in 2003 was during our topic on animals. Heidi the hamster, who had been bought to teach the children how to care for an animal, was greeted by the children with great affection.

"However, she turned vicious and could only be handled with gardening gloves and had to be returned to Pets At Home."

Only one question remains. Where is Heidi now?

JOHN Richardson is supposed to have retired from the Evening Press, but still focuses his journalistic skills on the vexed question of cycling statesmen.

This is his latest missive:

"He could, perhaps, do better. Pedalling politician Dave Wilde, former schoolteacher and ex-Lord Mayor of York, might take lessons from Hambleton District Council.

"As Diary earlier noted, this party diehard who regards a mudguard-free mountain bike as distinctly New Labour, can claim a monthly allowance of £7 a month for two-wheeling his way backwards and forwards from his Hull Road ward to Guildhall meetings.

"Maybe, the new schedule of expenses being recommended by Hambleton offers him a more pampered deal.

"Spokesman Martyn Richards, head of legal and democratic services (and in this era of Lord Hutton can you have a fairer title than that?) lends his name to a raft of rates for travel which promotes a member's bicycle in his area at a revolutionary 12p a mile. Coun Wilde may be tempted to work out this monthly average, when he is not mending punctures, to see who offers the best fit.

"It may not escape his attention, either, that Hambleton, the land of Herriot and wide-open country, offers a generous transport-sharing incentive.

"Carry passengers, not exceeding four, to a meeting and there is an extra 3p a mile for the first and 2p for other thereafter.

"So, brush up your crossbar skills, David, and even with one fellow traveller Hambleton could provide enough money for a place in the country."

Watch this space for further clips of cycling information.

AS Tony Blair knows, members of the Women's Institute are a radical lot. Here's an extract from the newsletter of the North Yorkshire East Federation.

"At the three meetings last month of the ten considered resolutions the following were selected as our recommendations: Euthanasia 22.5 per cent; Air Ambulances 22.47 per cent; Reducing use of plastic bags 14.3 per cent; and chlamydia, 11.2 per cent."

Interesting to see chlamydia trailing so far behind euthanasia.

What could it all mean?

Updated: 11:08 Tuesday, February 10, 2004