A WEEK is a long time in the jungle, and in this corner of the forest, the tension is beginning to tell.

Traps and pitfalls lie in wait for the unwary, and although alliances are forming, nobody is too sure who is being honest and who may have a hidden agenda.

Camp life is at something of a crisis point, and several people are threatening to quit before the public gets the chance to say who it thinks should go.

Take Alastair, for example. He has already stormed off in a huff, and he hasn't a good word to say for anyone but himself.

He is complaining that Andrew is bone idle and hasn't worked hard enough at his tasks, and that nobody else in the jungle has picked him up on his faults.

Alastair likes the jungle and feels thoroughly at home, but if 'it' doesn't admit 'its' failings, he for one is out of there.

Andrew, lounging on a hammock, was defiant at first - but now he has announced he is leaving, too.

He reckons it's a bit much to criticise what he has done when, after all, he did get most of it right.

Meanwhile, Greg is also packing his bags. For him, the final straw was being made to swallow all kinds of unpleasantness in a ferocious bush tucker trial he thinks was just plain unfair.

There has been an outcry from Greg's friends and relatives outside the jungle, but he says he is determined to go home and make himself a nice cup of tea.

He thinks it's the only way he will ever get the bad taste out of his mouth.

One of the few people who seems to be happy in there is Tony. After an extremely shaky start, when he looked wild-eyed at the prospect of the trials ahead, he now wears a satisfied smile that not even witchety grubs and bush cockroaches can wipe away.

Tony keeps himself busy by making up new policies and running them past an increasingly disbelieving audience of fellow campers.

All try to hide their horror when he blithely tells them he plans to make his ideas a reality when he returns home - especially because at this stage it appears nothing can stop him from emerging as king of the jungle.

Tony shouldn't feel too relaxed, though - he is not out of the woods yet.

Ant and Dec, it seems, have still got a couple of tricks up their sleeve.

In a twist borrowed from another reality show, the public is poised to vote in a newcomer to the jungle - cheesy Michael, billed as a man of the people, who should be able to give Tone a run for his money.

Rumour has it Ant and Dec are also planning a final, devastating shock, with the public being asked to vote on whether any of the campers should be allowed back into civilisation.

All it takes is a determined telephone campaign, and the whole lot of them could be left in there as the camera crews pull out to head home for Britain.

Once back in Blighty, the TV guys will be urgently needed to follow Britain's newly-elected Prime Minister, Jordan.

She is holding urgent talks with key advisors Culture Minister Peter Andre and Deputy PM Kerry McFadden, as she prepares for her first real challenge - a tense Question Time stand-off with the Leader of the Opposition, John Lydon.

Updated: 10:13 Wednesday, February 04, 2004