MARY Morrod, of Heworth, York, writes with a request. "For several years I've been trying to find a domed umbrella. I noticed the Queen had one on a dreary rainy visit to Sheffield recently, but I don't like to bother her."

The Diary has no such qualms, Mary. And it is a good point: the Queen has probably not felt a drop of rain since finishing school, her brollies are so encompassing.

We telephoned Buckingham Palace straight away. Oddly, the first thing you hear is a recorded announcement - "This is Buckingham Palace. If you have been asked to call this number urgently, it is because of a hoax message and you should hang up immediately."

Looks like Prince Harry's been playing practical jokes again.

Eventually we were connected to Her Majesty's press office. So who makes the Queen's brollies? "Good question," said the beautifully enunciated voice at the other end. "I'm not sure that I can help you, but I'll give it a go."

But only a few minutes later the phone rings. "Hello, it's Elizabeth at Buckingham Palace." Blimey, straight to the top.

"I have come up with an idea. The umbrella maker should have a royal warrant. You can check the web site, www.royalwarrant.org."

This we did and discovered the umbrella maker to the late Queen Mother was Fulton of London (0207 510 8500). Its website includes a "history of the umbrella" quiz - hours of fun - and, yes, ladies' domed brollies!

Further inquiries revealed that stockists include Fenwick and Allders.

If this is no good Mary, we'll try and have a word with Elizabeth again - when she comes to Royal Ascot in York.

THE first umbrellas were made in about 2000BC by the Egyptians out of ostrich feathers, incidentally.

BRITISH law won't wait. Unless the judge has got his times in a twist.

Judge Peter Charlesworth walked into York Crown Court one and a quarter hours after he was scheduled to start sitting.

His first words to the barristers: "I am very sorry to keep you and everyone waiting."

This is the same judge who apologised publicly to Selby area residents for giving a burglar who had committed nearly 30 burglaries in the area two years' probation. The felon responded by committing another burglary.

He is now doing six and a half years inside after Judge Charlesworth resentenced him to five years and another judge added 18 months for the new burglary.

Every barrister on the circuit will tell you that they dare not be late for York Crown Court as the Honorary Recorder of York Judge Paul Hoffman invariably starts on the dot and is scathing with anyone - including barristers - who is late.

IT is only unlucky to open an umbrella indoors if you hold it over your head. That is a symbol of death. Obviously.

TO keep the toilet theme which we originated so successfully last Monday, we turn to a new book by Dulcie Lewis.

If there were a Booker Prize for lavatory literature, Dulcie would surely win it.

Known throughout Wensleydale for her entertaining and educational talks on the smallest room, she has just published her third book on the subject, A Flush In The Pan (Countryside Books, £4.95).

From which we take this story...

Two ladies standing at a bus stop. One says to the other, "I hear Mrs Jones is not well at the moment."

"Oh, what's the matter with her?"

"Chronic constipation, I'm afraid. I've known here be down her privy for over an hour."

Says the second lady, "I'm sorry to hear that. Is she taking anything for it at the moment?"

"Well just lately she's taken her knitting."

QUEEN Victoria had a brolly lined with chain mail after an attempt to assassinate her.

Updated: 12:12 Monday, December 08, 2003