Please read this note carefully in lieu of our scheduled urgent meeting to discuss the quality of our global gifts delivery service.

There appears to be a sad lack of outside-the-box, blue skies thinking on the Christmas presents front this year.

I had hoped to discuss this with you in person, but unfortunately, this meeting is now unlikely to take place during this festive season.

The sleigh is in urgent need of a good buffing and I've just been told that Rudolf's antlers require a radical overhaul to bring them into line with new European legislation on hazards to aircraft.

But antlers or no antlers, the quality of gifts remains an important issue and one we all need to keep well across.

I should like all elves to play their part in addressing this company-wide challenge, so please cascade my instructions accordingly.

Let's start with Britney and Christina. If I see one more spangled singlet or raggedy black lace slip I'm prepared to make it a disciplinary matter. The same goes for that Penny Lancaster, the woman who hangs around with Rod Stewart.

Can we get them some woolly polo necks, please, the poor girls look frozen. Littlewoods do some nice ones in easy-care fabric, I believe.

Jordan's another one. Sometimes I think she will catch her death of cold. I'm sure if we got her a really good book she would stay tucked up at home a bit more. How about Diary Of A Nobody?

Posh could do with something of an image makeover, too. She must be sick of all that tedious Prada and Gucci. Can we get her a tasteful, timeless, traditional piece, like an OBE, for example? After all, her husband's got one, and you know how they like to match up.

Which brings me neatly on to Becks himself. Could we wrench that blasted mobile phone out of his hand for one second? I want him to stop taking pictures of the sky in Madrid, and savour how it feels to hold a World Cup in his hands.

I should like Jonny Wilkinson to lend him his for a week or so. A bit of good luck may rub off. As for Mr Wilkinson himself, I hope there is no muttering in the ranks of our buyers. He may seem to be the man who has everything but, as I keep telling you, our workshop is no place for negativity. All it takes is a little lateral thinking, and I'm sure you will come up with the perfect gift.

I think a small Hebridean island without transport links could be just the thing for him and his lovely girlfriend to get away from all those pesky people who want to make him a multi-millionaire.

But don't let me stop you from coming up with your own ideas.

On the political front, how about a dictionary for Tony Blair? It should help him work out the difference between 'conversation' and 'monologue'. And an ear trumpet could make him a good stocking-filler, to help him with the tricky art of listening.

These are just a few ideas to kick-start you all into brain-storming mode.

I should like a full report back before the big night, and may I urge you, for the sake of the reindeer and my aching back, to remember: good things come in small packages.

If you need me, I'll be in the sleigh house, putting the finishing touches to the coachwork.

Updated: 10:54 Wednesday, December 03, 2003