IT'S FUNNY what brings couples almost to blows. A mess in the bathroom, leering at a pretty pair of legs, having the in-laws for the entire weekend, snoring through the school concert.

But money is most likely to have couples tearing at each other's throats. Particularly at this time of the year.

Strange how the season of goodwill brings out the worst in us. They say it leads to more suicides and relationship splits than any other time. At least my wife and I are constant - our arguing is round the clock, all year round.

By the way, we've seen Relate since our public bickering over the past few weeks and now the marriage guidance counsellors are getting divorced - or turning celibate.

Back to the cash. Before you go credit-card crazy this Christmas, consider the consequences. That little bit of plastic should carry a govern-ment health warning: "Using this card can seriously damage your marriage."

I've been doing some research. It's the great thing about being a journalist. You can poke your nose into other people's business, usually without getting it punched.

The interrogation went like this: Do you have a joint account? Do you have secret savings? Do you argue over money? Do you keep each other in the dark about the spending? Yes, yes, yes and, oh boy, yes.

When people live together to see if the relationship will survive marriage, they should focus on the important things. It's not whether they are good in bed together or if they make each other laugh. It's all down to being financially compatible.

I carried out this survey on friends and colleagues. It might be the type of people with whom I mix and work, but the results were appalling.

Test Subject One (TS1) is a long-married, old-fashioned husband who believes a woman's place is in the home, unless she's let out to earn money or pick up the dry cleaning. They have a joint bank account but he controls it with a rod of brass. He keeps a careful eye on what she is spending so he has plenty left for his regular (boozy) night out and weekends away with the lads.

He claimed they never argued about money, until she reminded him about the Big One - the day his weekly pay packet changed into a salary cheque. He had always handed over the hard cash, but this time it went straight into the bank where she saw for the first time how much he earned. The eruptions went on for weeks and were heard on Moonbase II.

Recently she spotted a credit card withdrawal of a few hundred pounds in cash. He denied all knowledge but she did not believe a word. Divorce was threatened until he brought in the police who discovered a case of fraud.

Test Subject Two are a couple of professionals who have lived together for ten years. It's her house, the bills are in her name and he hands over his "rent" in cash each month. They go to the supermarket together and set off with 'his' and 'hers' trolleys. They pass each other in the frozen chicken aisle but do not acknowledge each other until they meet up at the checkout and coo over each other's bargains.

It is her brother-in-law, however, who takes the biscuit. He and his wife have a joint account but he is a control freak. She runs the account and the household, while he puts every transaction under a microscope.

One day he invested in some computer software and produced a pie chart print-out showing where the money was going and where she should start economising (less luxury softness in the toilet rolls, tinned food from Netto, washing-up liquid instead of shampoo). That way there would be enough money left over for computer software to produce a pie chart on economising. Some people might have slammed that pie chart on his head.

Real happiness is having not quite enough to make ends meet. Making economies together brings you closer, the misery can be shared and each long-awaited pay day is a new dawn. Long evenings counting the pennies and fretting is true togetherness, especially if the kids sit huddled at the top of the stairs listening to every word and waiting for the bailiffs to arrive.

There's something exciting about hiding behind the settee while the rent man hammers on the door; or taking the long route to avoid the corner shop where your credit is about to be exposed on a list of bad debts posted in the shop window.

Money is no reason to fight, folks, it's a cause for celebration. Oh, all right then, but it's your round, pet. I've spent up.

Updated: 10:10 Tuesday, December 02, 2003