WELCOME to the first Diary. We will be here every weekday with an exotic mix of hearsay, half-truths and stuff we've retrieved from the bin, until the editor finds us out.

Uncovering snippets to make York smile is bound to be hard work. That's why we would like you to write the column for us.

Have you a tale for the diary? An observation, a joke, some gossip, a funny picture or a rant - we'll take anything. Unlike Steve Galloway, we have no pride. Get in touch: contact details below.

WE start as we intend to go on, with some smut. York shoppers browsing the latest Boots' catalogue have been shocked to see a picture of Jamie Oliver apparently taking his "naked chef" nickname literally.

The customer who, er, tipped off the Diary said: "When we saw it we had a bit of a giggle. The story going around the print industry is that a guy had received the sack and decided to leave his employers a 'present' by adding this to the catalogue."

Not so. Rebecca Hulme-Edwardson, Boots' public relations manager, said all Jamie is showing off is his bag of satsumas.

The front cover of the Jamie Oliver Calendar 2004 "shows Jamie taking some oranges out of a brown paper bag and peeling them," she insisted.

The calendar, now selling like hot chocolate mousse with sesame snaps, even featured on Friday's edition of Have I Got News For You.

The mockney cook is in America but aware of the furore, says Rebecca. "Jamie's quite happy about it. Well, I suppose he would be."

HERE'S where to go in York... the Postern Gate, Piccadilly. Its facilities are far more than bog standard.

The Wetherspoon's boozer panned most of the opposition in the British Toilet Association awards, picking up four stars.

When the judges pointed Percy at the Postern porcelain they were impressed at how clean and well managed everything was.

Pub manager Keith Pidd (it's not a misprint) declared himself delighted. "Many of the pub's customers comment on the quality of the toilets," said Mr P.

Which only goes to prove, you can't beat the cistern.

CERTAINLY the Postern Gate is doing better than York City in this regard. Cliff Ford, who describes himself as a "traumatised Doncaster Rovers supporter" (aren't they all?), writes: "Here's a tip for all tourists who haven't the time to queue for Jorvik.

"On match days visit the away supporters' toilets (men's) at Bootham Crescent. They're medieval and they really do stink.

"Wear wellingtons."

FROM today, talking on your mobile phone while driving becomes illegal, unless you have a hands-free set.

The good folk at the Alternative Gift Company (www.alt-gifts.com - not alt-gits.com as they put in the press release) have come up with this cheap and cheerful gadget (right) to turn any handset into a hands-free set.

However, the Diary does not think the legislation goes far enough. We will be pressing the Government for an immediate ban on other dangerous driving activities, such as retrieving a fluff-covered boiled sweet from the doorwell, scribbling your happy anniversary card on the steering wheel, singing along tunelessly to the Carpenters Greatest Hits or eating a tube of Pringles one-handed.

TEESSIDE International Airport is looking to change its name. A suggestion aired on the radio was York North International Airport. Geographically dubious certainly, but at least the good folk of Elvington would be pleased. And it is better than another suggested title: Chubby Brown International Airport.

FINALLY, can you come up with a name for this column? The best brains at the Evening Press were wracked. Focus groups were consulted. Market research conducted. And what name did we come up with? Diary.

Can you do better? Of course you can. Assorted marvellous prizes are on offer to the person who comes up with a name we like so much we want to use it.

Updated: 09:43 Tuesday, December 02, 2003