WHEN it comes to the Queen's Speech, there's only one woman for the job. It has Her Majesty's name written all over it.

Today was her annual date at the Palace of Westminster. Crowned up to the nines, her performance is always faultless. She reads out a list of government promises without once snorting with laughter or derision. Bravura stuff.

None of her rivals for the title could deliver it better. The queen of daytime TV, Judy Finnegan, would let the ermine slip giving the Lords a monocle-popping flash of matronly bosom. The queen of night-time TV, Graham Norton, would start ad libbing, and commit the Government to distributing free marital aids to the Catholic priesthood.

But the Queen of England gives it to us straight.

Nevertheless, it is a very odd situation. There she is, telling the nation what "my Government" is doing under her name, yet having no say in the matter. The speech is written for her by oiks such as Peter Mandelson, for pity's sake.

So I thought I'd have a go at writing her speech this year. I've faxed it over to Buck House and, at the time of writing, have no idea whether the Queen has gone with the official version or my own. Here it is, anyway.

"My Lords and members of the House of Commons. My government's priorities for our great nation are, as I think we have all come to realise, bonkers. So I have sacked my government, and I am putting forward my own bills for a change.

"First up the War Crimes (Domestic) Bill. This will ensure my government can never again invade another sovereign power against international law and the consent of the British people.

"And while one's on the subject, I have scrapped all these new 'emergency' powers Mr Blair's lot wanted to grant to the police in the name of 'security'.

"I said no to all the gubbins they wanted to impose at the palace during the US President's visit. One is not having one's corgis shoved about the place by a bunch of sniffer dogs.

"British laws are quite tough enough as they stand: anything more would not only erode my subjects' liberty, but also hand a victory to the terrorists whose greatest desire is to disrupt our normal life through fear.

"On to the economy. My government likes to suggest it has created prosperity. But most of the money is in too few pockets. My Wealth Distribution Bill will see the creation of a fat cats' tax rate of 90 per cent. And if Paul Daniels and Jim Davidson flee the country as a result this is one sovereign who will not be crying into one's Gordons.

"The extra cash will go to paying a decent State pension, hospitals, social services and schools.

"Talking of which, my Schools Out Bill will make it illegal to pay for any education. All private schools will be outlawed. Only when our politicians are compelled to send their children to State schools will they bring them all up to standard.

"Finally, my Goodbye From Us Bill sees the monarchy disbanded. Having that Mirror man expose us as the ultimate middle class family the other week has ripped any last shred of mystery from the House of Windsor.

"It's all over, and frankly it's a relief. I'm orf to set up as a Newmarket bookie so you'll have to find someone else to put on your stamps.

"The smart money for Britain's first president is Clive Woodward. One'll give you five to four orn."

Updated: 10:16 Wednesday, November 26, 2003