HANDS up if you've ever told a lie. Mark my words, your days are numbered.

Whether it is little porkers or downright stinkers, the FBI (Fibs Bureau of Investigation) will get you. Marriages are set to crumble, jobs are at stake, criminals may as well turn up at the prison gates uninvited, business deals will collapse.

And it's all thanks to new technology which can get inside our heads, read our private thoughts and turn our skulls into goldfish bowls for all to see.

Revolutionary new software has been applied to detecting lies from just the sound of your voice. Never mind that old-fashioned stuff where they strap electrodes on your skin and a difficult question has you breaking out in quivers so the scratchy nib draws a series of jagged lines.

Several British insurance companies are investing in the new lie-detector equipment to test the truth of telephone claims. A note of nervousness in your voice will set alarm bells ringing. It has already led to some companies refusing to pay out, or mounting an in-depth investigation, or some customers having to withdraw their claims.

Fine if the claim really is fraudulent. If you have nothing to hide, why worry? And there are plenty of people who regularly make claims for a nice line in pocket money.

Tell me, Major, did your friend in the audience really have chronic bronchitis when he coughed his way through your winning a million pounds on that TV show?

I once met a couple who had an accident in the home leading to an insurance claim in the run-up to every Christmas.

One year their video machine was getting old, so they poured water into the works and claimed their dog had cocked his leg and wet into it. A canny insurance company would have realised a little Yorkie terrier could not cock his leg up that high. And a simple canine urine test would have exposed the lie.

But what if you pick up the phone and make a proper claim to the lie detector and you are a little nervous anyway? Maybe you are not comfortable speaking to insurance companies. Maybe you know this machine is listening and it makes you nervous. Maybe you have had a row with the wife, or are worried about your job or your health. And does it take stammers into account? Perhaps a few drinks would counter the nervousness in your voice, but then it would probably detect the slur anyway.

Trouble is, this is just the thin end of the wedge.

All new technology, whether developed for big business or space exploration, soon gets adapted for everyday home use - such as calculators, digital watches, computers, microwaves, and the other million-and-one microchip must-have gadgets.

So when every home has one, imagine the daily sit-down sessions after dinner. Had a nice day, dear? Did you call for a drink after work, dear? Did you speak to that secretary today, dear? The sweat breaks out on your brow and the lie-detector is bleeping away like crazy in the background.

Or, did you have a nice day, dear? Did you get to the shops, sweetheart? Did you buy yourself anything in the sales, petal? Did the milkman deliver, love of my life?

Even the kids would not escape. Have you done your homework? Have you been smoking round the back of the community centre? Have you been seeing that lad again? Have you been popping pills?

Then you get to work and there is an industrial-sized voice-activated lie detector just waiting. Have you been putting in 120 per cent effort? Why are your sales figures not up to scratch? Did you take more than ten minutes for lunch? Are you really committed to this company?

There would be minor consolations. You could take your own mobile detector along to the garage when you are buying a secondhand car. How many miles on the clock? How many owners? How many cars is this vehicle made up from?

What bliss. Lying could become a thing of the past. Absolute honesty would rule, and we would all lead cleaner, better lives. Where's the fun in that? And think of the pain.

Does this dress look nice? It looks lovely, dear (porker alarm, porker alarm). Do you still love me? As much as I ever did, pet (phew).

Still, there is hope. For every piece of new technology invented, some clever renegade hacker has come along with something that will get round it. Perhaps we'll be able to have a miniature voice box implanted into the throat that takes the stress out of our lies.

Either that, or get absolutely stinking, rotten drunk before you pick up the phone to make an insurance claim.

Updated: 09:04 Tuesday, November 25, 2003