THE Premiership is often flagged up - maybe too frequently - as the most exciting football league in the world.

But what is, to many, turning into one of the biggest bores of our gross domestic product is the over-whining, over-preening, over-heated showdowns between those managers of maelstrom - Sir Alex Ferguson and Arsene Wenger.

Barely a week goes by when the duo are not portrayed by a voracious media as being at each other's throats.

If one isn't sniping at the other, then it must be the close season, or it must be a World Cup or some other inconsequential distraction.

The tiresome Ferguson-Wenger rivalry has become the stuff of soap operas. Can Coronation Street or Eastenders have boasted more voluble, volatile, volcanic foes?

Now after what has seemed a decade of dispute - yet Wenger has only been in charge of Arsenal for seven years as opposed to Ferguson's red-hot reign of almost 17 years at the core of Manchester United - their acrimony has taken the sourest of twists.

In the wake of the punishment of a battalion of Gunners' stars for their part in the unseemly melee when United and Arsenal shared a feisty draw at Old Trafford last month, Ferguson railed at 'deals' supposedly brokered between the North London club and the Football Association believing the penalty imposed on the Gunners was inadequate.

Wenger, meanwhile, has decried a state of affairs at which he is convinced that his beloved Arsenal are being singled out for treatment, which is ultimately loaded against them and not consistent with disciplinary measures for other clubs.

So what was each year an annual psychological contretemps between two masters of their own arts and quite amusing at times too, has now degenerated into a dog-eared duel which deadens rather than delights the emotions. Oh what's that, Fergie's having a pop at Arsenal while Arsene's aiming a volley at Man U? How novel. How nauseating, rather.

Not long ago, Red Nose Day - that nasal-based charity tributary of Comic Relief - staged a boxing bout between comedian Ricky Gervais and 'B'-list celeb Grant Bovey.

Well with Children In Need about to be hove into view, why not a gloves-on set-to between the Premiership insult-meisters.

Just imagine the build-up.

'Ladeez and gennelmen...let me introduce to you the main attraction. A clash of the titans, a showdown of Premiership powerhouses.

"In the red and black corner we have Govan's very own no-punches pulled time-lord, Sir Alex and at-'em Ferguson. And in the red and white corner, his opponent, the Gallic 'non, I did not see that' Arsene Highbury hammer Wenger.

"Ferguson will be wearing the white shorts - or which kit is it this week? - while Arsene is rigged in a very fetching Charlie George yellow and blue. Your referee, ladeez and gennelmen, is Jeff Winter, fresh from the sun and air-kisses of Sportstars to tonight's neutral venue, the FA's headquarters.

"Right, no gouging, kicking, spitting or hitting below the belt. Box on, to the victor no more arguing, to the loser, complete silence."

Hang on a minute, though, as a Liverpool fan, this fight game might not be such a good idea after all.

Let's keep the 'minor' reds fussing and feuding so that allows them to be distracted from the major prize. That in turn will propel Chelsea's cash-drenched corps right into the spotlight so that they too can buckle under the heavy-weight pressure leaving Gerard Houllier's have-a-go heroes to emerge as champions.

Dream on, as they might say.

Updated: 11:28 Tuesday, November 04, 2003