Civilisation could be crumbling around our ears, Martians could be dropping from the sky like leaves in a brisk autumnal breeze and rabid dogs could be roaming the streets hunting for fresh meat, but still the topic of conversation around the coffee machine - we don't do water-coolers in Yorkshire - would be Meg Ryan's hair.

In her new flick - as in film, not hairdo - the all-American gal gets her kit off, flashes various never-before-seen bits of her anatomy and generally gets up to all sorts of saucy celluloid shenanigans.

Are we shocked? You bet we are, because she's doing it all with brown hair! Not auburn, not chestnut, not even mahogany, but boring old brown. There must be some law against it? A major Hollywood star changing her hairstyle is one thing, but Meg, the loveliest little blonde bubblehead in the whole of Tinseltown, should not be able to mess with our heads as well as her own when it comes to colour.

There are blonde people and there are brunette people. She is a blonde person and, as such, should abide by the rules of hair apartheid and stick with her own fair kind.

As a natural-born brunette, I object to people - and I'm looking at you now Meg - who dye their naturally-flaxen locks dark to make them look more serious and less attractive. I'm not against dyeing per se. In fact, if I didn't dye my own hair on a regular basis I would look like a badger.

It's just that I object to blondes coming over to the dark side, staying for a week or two, then running back to their roots with a bottle of peroxide in one hand and the director's cut (and blow dry) of Gentlemen Prefer Blondes in the other.

And the way they talk. You would think they had been delivering Red Cross food parcels in the Third World instead of spending a couple of weeks with brown hair. "It completely changed me, you know, like as a person," they simper, while someone turns the pages of Vogue for them and another blows the nasty hot steam off their skinny latte.

"It's like, you know, I had all these, like, serious thoughts in my head. It was like wearing glasses or something - completely mind-blowing."

This may come as a bit of a shock to you, but not all brunettes are rocket scientists. We don't all sit around talking about Dostoevsky while pushing our thick, National Health specs up our make-up free noses and twiddling our dull, lustreless brown locks. And, while you are sitting there in open-mouthed shock, let me hit you with another one.

Not all blondes are bubbleheads.

They don't, as far as I'm aware, all sit around giggling in their underwear while painting their toenails fuscia pink and talking about the pros and cons of thongs.

I am proud to say I have blonde friends and I have brunette friends.

Heck, I'm even pals with a couple of redheads.

But I would never trust a brunette who became a blonde or a blonde who became a brunette in an attempt to signal a change in their personality.

Often when women hit a milestone age they decide dyeing their hair is just what they need to literally add a little colour to their lives. And if it makes you feel better and gives you a confidence boost, then why the heck not.

But if you believe that becoming a blonde or a brunette will actually make you a different person, you are sadly mistaken.

A bland blonde will be a bland brunette, and a boring brunette will be a boring blonde.

Dyeing your hair is not a life changing experience, it just means your fashionable coiffure won't match the rest of your fluffy accessories.

Updated: 09:44 Tuesday, October 28, 2003