THE Minis are back, so is the title but this is not a re-make of The Italian Job. Nor does it pick up the story where the cult English movie ended on a cliff-hanger in 1969.

"I've got an idea... um", said Michael Caine, and alas F Gary Gray's slick American crime caper hasn't come up with any new or original ideas, and is one long 'um' wrapped inside an homage.

At least he starts with an Italian job, as Mark Wahlberg's typically bland and charmless Charlie Croker and old-timer Donald Sutherland's safecracker John Bridger lead a hi-tech gold-bullion heist in the Venice canals.

After being double-crossed by gang member Steve - they should have noted Ed Norton's particularly dodgy moustache - Wahlberg's mob reconvene in Los Angeles, where Steve has ensconced himself with the stolen bullion.

To recover the gold, Charlie has his computer geek, Lyle (Seth Green); his explosives wizard, Left Ear (Mos Def); and his crack driver, Handsome Rob (token Cockney geeezer Jason Statham). Now, with Bridger shot dead by Steve in Italy, he needs a new safe-picking ace. Step forward Bridger's daughter, Stella (Charlize Theron), primarily to give The Italian Job some eye candy.

Far more pleasing on the eye, however, are the gang's three souped-up Mini Coopers, out-starring all around them as they nip in and out of Los Angeles subways and cut through the traffic jams to complete the second heist. Amid a dearth of humour, the best lines here are the white ones on the car bonnets.

For the Minis' road performance, Jeremy Clarkson will love it, but The Italian Job is a movie not a car advert, and Gray's smooth glide is nothing more than a re-hash of the Ocean's 11 re-make. Job done? Job botched, more like.

Updated: 09:17 Friday, September 19, 2003