Stuck with those fat cats

In reply, these obese felines always miaow that they could get more "Kit-e-Kat" abroad, where the mousing is much better too.

"Let them go," says Yorick, "we don't want these fawning, simpering specimens running our show."

We'd be better off with crocodiles and snakes; but these creatures are not cuddly, and we British are a notoriously soppy, pet-loving lot.

So I suppose we will continue to feed our fat-cats with more and more Whiskas, and stroke them affectionately, as they purr with contentment and self-satisfaction, as usual.

- THE first state pension scheme was dreamed up by Otto von Bismarck. In 1880, when your average German could expect to live to the age of 45, Bismarck promised him a pension if he lived to be 65. Clever von chap. Pretty von obvious. But now that the average German may live to be 75, it's proving von pricey.

We Brits will have to pay for Otto's kleine heist, if we decide to wade further into the Euro-mire, you can bet your bottom dollar, if you have any left.

- FOR some years now, Yorick (or his passenger) has made a list of the names of the lorries he sees on any long, boring journey.

"Eddie Stobart" and "Prestons of Potto" are always noted. "MacFarlane's" don't do badly, and "James Irlam" is always a contender.

This may seem stunningly dull, but if you treat it like a day at the races, it can be quite exciting.

For instance, "Moore's Kitchen's and Bathrooms" can take an early lead, but fade later. As you travel further south, "Norfolk Line" comes up on the outside. "Fowler-Welch", "Ken Abram" and "Malcolm of Brookfield" are always promising outsiders. "Norbert Dessentrangle" is a strong entry from France.

Yorick has even invented some basic rules for this game: hired vehicles are not allowed; "Parcel Force" and "P&O" have applied to join, but their case is under review.

Further applications from supermarket lorries such as "Morrisons", "Tesco", "Safeway", "Marks & Spencer" etc are likely to be turned down.

However, if you want a tip from Yorick, it's this: if you're on the A64, put your money on "McCain's Oven Chips". It's a near-cert; unless "W A Bell" recaptures his previous form.

- YORICK'S next item is about those selfish people who indulge their foul habits in public places, some of them as young as six years old. The inhalation of the fumes they produce is an offence to everyone around them.

Only in China has this threat been recognised, with the seriousness it deserves.

I am writing abut farting, of course. Apparently, pupils at the Zhvang school in Peking, will be fined the Chinese equivalent of 50p if they break wind in public.

But, Yorick is puzzled.

Unless the Chinese flatulence police have a DNA device which detects offenders by analysing the molecular constituents of their emanations, I can't see how any culprits can be caught.

The phrase "silent, but deadly" is unlikely to become "silent, but costly", even when translated into Mandarin.

- WHILE on the subject of flatulence, Yorick wonders how long it will be before we are treated to a treatise on the dangers of "passive farting"? (It will definitely be called a "treatise", rather than a "dossier"). To call it a "report" would only invite unseemly ribaldry.

- LAST week Yorick wrote a snippet about Philip Arthur Larkin (the best poet laureate we never had).

I did not mention that PAL was also an avid collector of porn (as was his pal, Kingsley Amis). He was also what is now known as a bit of a racist. This occasionally means only that older people dislike the intrusion of the unfamiliar into their personal lives. I daresay he didn't much care for yoghurt either.

Even so, he wrote readable, understandable poems, as Amis wrote very funny novels.

Another genius of that era was Kenneth Tynan, who was addicted to spanking. This didn't stop him writing some spanking good articles which helped to transform society in the 1960s.

"Are geniuses all perverts in some way?" Yorick asks. Replying to himself Yorick suggests that a list of those who weren't would be shorter than a list of those who were.

- YORICK does not know the precise meaning of the word "Synod". I've never heard of posh hotels offering "indoor swimming pools, banqueting suites and unrivalled Synod facilities"). But a Church of England "Synod" was held in York last week.

Amongst other things, the Synod (pronounced "Sin-odd") debated the subject of "gay" clergy.

Yorick has been told by a friend who knows about these things that the biblical ban on homosexuality occurs in the 3,000-year-old Book of Leviticus.

Also in "Leviticus" is a ban on clerics eating pork, shellfish or insects (other than locusts).

I doubt if any C of E vicar has recently exercised his right to shovel down a platter of locusts with all the trimmings; but, if he has not been circumcised, or he has "marred the edges of his beard", I think he should either come out, or be outed. These two requirements are also in Leviticus, (not Rowan Williams's Book of the Month).

- Finally here are two letters which I have received.

Letter one reads as follows:

Dear Editor,

By his own admission, Yorick is crusty, stiff and sick, and his dribbled scribbles in your pages are hardly worth a glance.

Yours sincerely

J Arkwright.

Letter two reads:

Dear Editor,

Yorick's column brings a breath of fresh air to your pages; his incisive comments, so brilliantly expressed, are essential reading in this household.

Yours sincerely

Mrs J Arkwright.

Updated: 11:24 Saturday, July 19, 2003