OH MY. Life is so much easier now that we don't have to be responsible for a single thing we do.

We can stuff ourselves stupid on the richest foods and blame it all on somebody else. We can commit outrages against innocent people and then take them to court if we get hurt or upset in the process.

If something happens to us no matter how badly we behave, it has to be someone else's fault and the courts will back us to the hilt in this nanny state of ours. Aaargh!

So Kraft Foods is reducing the size of its portions so that greedy kids will not get fat - sorry, obese in these hushed days of PC-speak - and sue the pants off the company.

Does that mean that Gillette will have to start making blunter razor blades so they will not be culpable if we nick ourselves shaving? Will alcohol manufacturers have to make smaller bottles so we don't get drunk and fall over?

I mean, it is not our fault if we haven't got the sense to know when we have eaten or drunk too much. It's there so I'll swallow it. Now, who can I blame?

There I am up before the beak, and the presiding magistrate looks down his pince nez and bellows: "William Sebastian Bonaparte Fitzgerald Hearld, you are charged with wilfully, recklessly and gleefully exceeding 30mph on an open road. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour. Don't blame me, blame Vauxhall. They made the car, and it's just too fast. I couldn't help putting my foot down."

After my acquittal, I'm off to the European Court to claim millions of pounds against Vauxhall for the distress and trauma of a court appearance because the car manufacturer did not have the foresight to make a slower car.

These ambulance-chasing, free lawyers are great. Their adverts appeal to our most base selves: "Have you had a trip, fall, upset, indigestion, nose-bleed, common cold, broken a finger nail when it was not your fault? Call us now and we will sue somebody. No win, no fee - but if we do win we want a fair chunk of the take."

Legal eagles? More like vultures squabbling over a rotten carcass.

Even when you are breaking the law, if you come to some harm you have your legal rights. Like the burglar who targeted a factory, fell through the glass roof and damaged his back.

He was awarded thousands by a court because the factory owners had not provided a safe route into their premises for unwanted guests. Justice?

I'm taking action against the householder I shot when he disturbed me as I rifled through his wife's underwear drawer in the middle of the night. Well, the rotter surprised and shocked me for one thing - that's worth a few thousand. Then his blood spattered on my designer jeans. I need compensation for that. And then there's the strain on my trigger finger.

Perhaps I can get something off Smith & Wesson for producing a gun that actually fires during a robbery. But I suppose they'll only counter-sue against the bullet makers.

Sorry to be a party-pooper in this carnival of corruption. It's time we went back to accepting responsibility for our own actions. The blame culture - "it happened so it must be somebody's fault" - we inherited from the United States has to be sent back across the Atlantic by air mail. And we can attach a little note saying: "Dear George Dubya, Just send us your good stuff, like your friendly-fire weapon sights, blueberry waffle and maple syrup breakfasts and Most Horrific Car Crash videos."

One thing we can learn from our cousins, however, is competitiveness. This lack of responsibility business on our small island extends to our sports these days. How are we ever going to win back any world titles when we live in a society which glorifies losers?

When schools will not allow parents to attend sports days because it could embarrass those who lose, we are carrying sensitivity to extremes.

We used to commiserate and say "Better luck next time." Nowadays it is all furtive avoidance and don't mention the 'L' word (loser).

You never know, we could see the day when anyone who loses the egg and spoon race will sue the school for loss of face.

Updated: 09:21 Tuesday, July 08, 2003