MAJOR shops could skiddoo out of York if the Son of Coppergate scheme isn't given the go-ahead. That, at least, was what Roy Templeman seemed to be saying in last Friday's Evening Press.

Mr Templeman delights in one of those titles council officers have these days, being City of York Council's director of environment and development services. He must need special badges made for conferences. And a big lapel, as his badge must be the size of a car number plate.

Anyway, Mr Templeman's enthusiasm for all things commercial, and his insistence that retail expansion was a "very serious piece of business", set me thinking. And what follows is the product of that thought. In the name of journalistic entertainment, a few liberties have been taken, not least with York's road system...

As the open-topped bus, emblazoned with the words Templeman's Tours, clatters over Lendal Bridge, a commentary rings out.

"Now we are just passing over that river, you know - the one running through York. There are no shops on the river as such, so there's not much to say - but if you rush to lovely Coney Street, there are so many shops you can hardly see the river at all.

"Behind us you can see the City Walls. Apparently, some people like to walk round the walls even though there are no shops at all, just a few small museums.

"To our left there is an ice-cream stall. Some people will tell you that this stall is called Museum Gardens, but that is to over-play the importance of open green spaces at the expense of a mobile establishment selling ice-creams. Oh, yes, there's one of those museum thingeys in there too. Although why the park isn't called Museum Shop Gardens is a mystery to me. As it happens, there are good shops with museums attached in this city. There's the National Railway Museum Shop, the Jorvik Shop and the Castle Museum Shop. All are worth a visit, so long as you don't spend too long dawdling in the past instead of shopping.

"Oh, heigh-ho, up ahead there is that big church. Been here for centuries, so nothing much to report - although there is a shop inside. And, in an enterprising bit of serious business in the retail department, visitors will soon be charged for entry.

"Anyway, that's enough of that. If we turn down here, we are getting near to the really interesting part of York. Now I must apologise for some of the twisty, narrow streets with all those inconvenient old buildings - you know, the black and white ones that look as though they could fall over at any minute's notice.

"But if you ignore those, you can find some lovely shops. Look, we've got a Boots, Browns, two Marks & Spencer shops, and simply hundreds of coffee-shops. You know, people sometimes say to me that visitors come to York because of all that old stuff. What's it called? History, that's the dusty old word. Well, I say to them, history is all about conflict and borders - and if you pop into Borders they're sure to have some book or other with a bit about York's history.

"Now the area around the Castle Museum is a severe disappointment, I'm afraid - as there just aren't enough shops. Still, if you come back in a few years' time, we should have put that right. You won't recognise the place for all the shops we've got planned."

As the bus trundles off, a lone heckler on the back seat pipes up: "But can't you see all those same boring shops in every other town and city up and down the land?" Sadly, no one seems to be listening.

Updated: 12:02 Thursday, July 03, 2003