A RIGHT riveting read. That's my verdict on The Treasury's 18 Economic Tests, the latest blockbuster by Gordon Brown, bestselling author of My Passion For Prudence. Inevitably, it will be compared with the next Harry Potter book, out next week. At 2,066 pages, Brown's work is a shade longer than JK Rowling's, a touch pricier, at £125, and a little less believable.
But I defy anyone to read the chapter on increasing compatibility of business cycles and market structures without being moved to tears. Gordon, you old romantic, you.
It ends on a real cliffhanger. Should we ditch the pound? Should we send the euro packing?
Having read the whole thing twice, I can give an informed answer to both questions. Yes.
Yes we should cast sterling aside, and yes we should forget about the euro.
You may have spotted a gap in my argument. We would be left without a currency. Don't worry, I am not suggesting we return to a feudal bartering system: my wares, a few secondhand opinion columns, would not be worth the price of a used match.
Instead, I propose we establish our own currency specifically for Yorkshire. We could call it the yorkie. Ten chunks to the bar, ten buttons to the chunk. It would float at two yorkies to the pound and, knowing the Yorkshire propensity for fiscal stringency, would easily hold its own on the international currency markets.
The idea came to me as I listened, rapt, to the Chancellor's statement on Britain and the euro on Monday. One way to make it work, he said, would be to consider "local and regional conditions in pay offers".
John Edmonds, outgoing union boss, pre-empted this divisive idea by suggesting northern Cabinet ministers, such as Jack Straw and John Prescott, lead the way by taking a pay cut. No wonder Mr Prescott gave reporters two fingers the other day (is it just me, or was that the most articulate public statement he has ever made?)
But if ministers want regional pay deals, which will ensure even more of the country's wealth is diverted to London, why not a regional currency?
The yorkie, being a little weaker than sterling, would encourage inward investment and tourism. The Bank of Yorkshire would set interest rates, and they might even peg our new currency to the Yorkshire cricket score, just for the fun of it.
As for the banknotes, we could hold a competition to choose whose mug appeared on each one. My money's on Freddie Trueman on the one yorkie coin, Judi Dench on the five yorkie note, James Herriot on the tenner and the Archbishop of York on the twenty.
So when you went into the bank to withdraw Y50, and the cashier asked, how would you like that? you could say: "One archie, two jimmies, a judi and five freds please."
I HESITATE to enter royal territory again after the outrage I caused last week (you should see the letters we couldn't print). But I must question the planning behind the royal tourist roadshow yesterday.
The idea was fine. Regal visits to various British attractions will certainly boost their profile.
It is the geographical confusion I worry about. Most overseas visitors will not understand the arcane titles of our royals and will be baffled by our sending the Prince of Wales to Scotland, the Duke of Edinburgh to England, the Earl of Wessex to Wales, the Duke of Gloucester to Leicester, the Duke of Kent to Yorkshire and the Duke of York to Cumbria.
Updated: 12:28 Wednesday, June 11, 2003
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